Light headed
What do you call a stolen Tesla
An Edison
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I read a lengthy article about Japanese sword fighters
It's okay I can Samurais it for you.
Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Two antennas met on a rooftop, fell in love and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Judge: I hereby find you guilty for all crimes you have been charged with. For sentencing I order you to spend life behind bars without possibility of parole
Criminal: That's a long sentence, I demand a shorter one. Judge: U did it. Go 2 jail forever.
Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten-year-old schoolboy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.
Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, takes one and jumps. Boris said ‘I’m needed to sort out Britain’. He takes one and jumps. The Pope said ‘I need one as the world needs the Catholic Church.’ He takes one and jumps. Angela said to the ten-year-old: "You can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only just starting." The 10-year-old replied: "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA took my school bag."
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
If Sarah Sanders thinks it is safe to be out in public, perhaps she could lead by example
https://ift.tt/3ayAl9K
Why doesn’t Oedipus swear?
Because he kisses his mother with that mouth
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
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WARNING!! They said you only have to wear masks and gloves to go grocery shopping but they LIED!
Apparently you have to wear clothes too.
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I had to get a loan to pay for an exorcism.
They said if I didn’t pay it back on time I’d get repossessed.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVD movies back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
I hate jokes about infinity
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
When is bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
Why don’t some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't workout.
What do you name a smart pig?
Cunningham
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
When does a joke become a Dad joke?
When it becomes fully groan.
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
OH NO NO NO NO
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
A man walks into a bank wearing a mask. Everyone freaks out.
“Relax” he says, “I’m just here to rob the place”
Tetris is a good game
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
In a lot of ways I’m like Nichola Tesla.
I’m bad at marketing.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
So if guns don’t kill people, people kill people
Does that mean toasters don’t toast toast toast toast toast?
A college economics professor was up for tenure…
At the review, his dean was berating the veteran prof for having used the same final exam for the past 20 years. "Don't you realize, professor, that the students have been sharing these tests for decades and that they all know EXACTLY what questions are on the test before they sit for it?" "That doesn't matter," replied the professor, "It's Economics, every year I just keep changing the ANSWERS."