*lightsaber sound*
Did you know chickens die after sex?
Well, at least that's been my experience so far.
Guy walks into a bar with his dog and the bartender says “I’m sorry sir, we don’t allow dogs in here.” Guy says “This is no ordinary dog. This dog can speak.”
Bartender says “Sure… If you say so. Now please leave.” Guy says, “No really I can prove it.” *turns to dog * “Dog, what is on top this building?” Dog goes “Roof.” Bartender says “Very clever. Now I’ll ask you again: will you please leave?” Guy goes “No no seriously! Listen to this: Dog, what is the texture of sandpaper?” Dog goes “Ruff.” Bartender says “This is the last time I’m going to tell you!” Guy says “Wait wait please. Dog who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” Dog replies “Ruth” Bartender: “Get out! I’m calling the authorities!” Guy and dog leave. Outside dog turns to guy and says “Jeez. Maybe I should have said Barry Bonds.”
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
My buddy is really upset at losing a promotion at work to an attractive, older woman.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled MILF.”
True house cleaners aren’t just born…
They're maid…
There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting…
He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair." "What I want you to do…" the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong." So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
Dad fell through a shop window.
Now he's in pane.
The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.
They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.
I’ll tell you what I know about dwarfs
Very little
My wife and I went out for dinner the other day. When I ordered a steak she angrily said “You really like meat huh, murderer?!”
I sighed and replied "I has been 20 years, can you please stop bringing up the time I shot your father?"
Anti vaxx joke
When little Timmy went to school and mastered one to nine, he thought the other kids were cool and every class Devine. He painted shapes red and blue and he drew in curves and bends. And when the day was over he made 100 friends! I’m Pals with Pete Mike and Max he told his pa with pride, but Timmy’s folks were anti-vaxx and then he fucking died.
A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
My youngest son wanted to tell me a joke
He said, “Poop!” It was a shit joke
My phone loves it when I drop it
It always cracks up
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
It’s easy to deter the ladies from eating tide pods but…
it’s more difficult to deter…gents
One of my hair accessories is angry and it’s amusing to watch, but I don’t know what to do now.
I don't want to comb placate things.
Congrats to President Daddy for Record Time Passing MEAN PEOPLE BULLY ME ON THE INTERNET ACT
https://ift.tt/36LFRWr
Last night I had a dream that I was a muffler.
I woke up exhausted.
I ordered a jokebook from Amazon the other week and I’m still waiting for it to arrive.
Sorry if this wasn't very funny to read out on Reddit. Most of my jokes are all in the delivery.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
