Like a lazy tailor would say…
Suit yourself.
I have been hinting to my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she smoothly changes the topic.
Son: “Where are my sunglasses?”
Dad: "I don't know…where are my dad glasses?"
I couldn’t believe I got to use this
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. ๐
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Although my friend has a lot of hair, heโs paranoid about going bald.
I told him, โItโs all in your head.โ
The great thing about your parachute not deploying
Is that you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
he was very self absorbed.
Financial collapse in Japan
Origami Bank has folded. Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank has had to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank has been put up for sale and is going for a song. There's something fishy going on at Sushi Bank…shareholders are afraid they might get a raw deal. Kamikaze Bank shares have nose-dived. 500 jobs at Karate Bank have been chopped.
The worldโs worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, โWhy the wrong face?โ
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
Nametag?
Nametag?
Won’t someone please think of tฬถhฬถeฬถ ฬถcฬถhฬถiฬถlฬถdฬถrฬถeฬถnฬถ my portfolio?
https://ift.tt/2Uf2duI
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
Well, it's not hard.
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?โ
Smiling, I replied, โTiny!" My kid laughed and asked, โWhat an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?โ I explained, โBecause…heโs my newt!"
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
everyone knows fries aren’t fried in France
they're fried in Greece.
In response to your request for an apology and retraction, our answer is “no.”
https://ift.tt/2xZ1fuB
Someone broke into my place and stole my limbo stick.
Just how low can some people go?
So I decided to build a Restaurant on the moon
The food is great and all but there's no atmosphere.
My wife told me nothing rhymes with orange
I told her โno it doesnโtโ
They say make up sex is the best
Which is lucky, because all my sex is made up
Saw 10 homeless ants
Decided to build them a house to live in and charge them rent. Now I collect rent from my tenants
A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!" The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
[At the museum] My wife: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?
Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.
An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian, are hiking through the South American jungle
When all of sudden, they see a crystal clear pool at the foot of a mountain. They're all hot and tired, so naturally, they strip off and jump in, and to their surprise, that are captured by natives. They are brought in front of the chief and told that the pool is sacred. He tells them that they are to be killed and skinned, and that their skins will be made into canoes to float on the pool as a permanent reminder, but in one last act of mercy, he will grant them one last request, so the Frenchman pipes up, "I would like a knife, Si vous plait", so he is brought a knife and he plunges it into his chest, "you savages will never kill me! Vive la France!" and he dies. The Englishman is asked what he wants and also requests a knife, and also plunges it into his chest, "you will never kill me! God save the Queen!". The natives then turn to the Australian, and surprisingly he requests a fork, they oblige and hand him on, and he starts stabbing himself all over, the natives are looking in surprise and he looks at them and says, "well there goes your fuckin' canoe"
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because theyโre brainwashed by the government and the media.
When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
I guess I canโt really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
There are two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?" He asks her "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, lets! But lets change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."
Do you know what Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother is called?
Brocco Lee I'll see myself out.
I have no problem getting dates online.
I also have great luck with pistachios, cashews and almonds.
My dad died last year when my family couldnโt remember his blood type for the blood transfusion
As he was dying he kept insisting โbe positiveโbut itโs hard without him.