Like a round peg in a square hole…
Why are communist jokes so funny?
Everyone gets it.
What did Santa say to Mrs. Claus when he saw a thunderstorm?
Looks like reindeer!!
Casualty of War
https://ift.tt/2K74qmF
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
My son said he wanted to become a pyromancer.
I told him it's much easier to woo a cake.
How many cops does it take to push a black guy down the stairs?
None, he “fell”
I asked the Colonel what the lowest rank in the army was.
He said, "It's Private." I said, "Come on, you can tell me."
[nsfw] Girlfriends sister tries to seduce me
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
I give to you a joke I made up when I was seven: Why did the computer crash?
Because it had a bad driver! drops mic
Why did the stadium get hot after the game?
Because all the fans left
What’s a thousand times better than Instagram?
Instakilogram.
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location.’”
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him
“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.” God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?” “Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time.” “Exactly,” said God, “and when people rode in this man’s taxi, they not only stayed awake, they even prayed.”
How do you tell the difference between a chemistry professor and a politician?
Just ask them to read this word: unionized.
Why don’t chinese kids believe in Santa Claus?
Because they make the toys.
I had a hen that could count her own eggs.
She was a Mathmachicken.
How do you catch a cursor fish?
click bait
You can tell my dog is nervous about being naked all the time.
He can't sweat, but he pants.
My dream girl is made of chocolate
I Hershey kisses good too
I was watching Jurassic park the other day,
when I thought, “Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he’s also a shit driver”.
Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the Peekaboo virus.
Doctors are sending anyone with peekaboo straight to ICU.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich…
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?' 'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke' The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same' Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress. 'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Same,' says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.' Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?" Says the man, "Well, several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. The first wish I asked was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." The waitress said "That's brilliant! Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live. How smart of you!'' "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact amount of money is always there" says the man proudly. The waitress asks, "But, what's that ostrich all about?" The man sighs, pauses and answers with a heavy heart, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who accompanies me wherever I go and agrees with everything I say".
After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house.
I texted her, “Oh pun the door!”
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid
A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS…
They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading. Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out… The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here". The BBC TV reporter asked that the beheading be television so that even when she was dead, her face was still on TV. The British SAS soldier asked to be kicked three times in the arse hard. As the SAS soldiers request was unusual, ISIS decided to carry his request out first. As the kick landed, the SAS soldier pulled a hidden 9mm Glock pistol out of his smock, shot three terrorists dead. He then grabbed one of the fallen terrorists AK47s and shot dead the rest of the terrorists. The other two prisoners were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before he drew his weapon. "Because" said the soldier "When we get back to the UK. I don't want you fucking pair of politically correct clowns saying it was an "unprovoked attack"..
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
To whoever stole my copy of microsoft office.
I will find you. YOU HAVE MY WORD!
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
They said i couldnt bring outside snacks into the theater…
But I've got a few twix up my sleeve!
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.