Like Aloe Vera on a sunburn
I hate working with the fuzz… But it's a stable job.
Nothing, they fast.
"I'm a harpsichord." Says the first. "I'm a lute." Says the second. "No you're not!" Says the harpsichord. "You're that other string instrument!" The second looks at him, shocked, and says, "Sir, are you calling me a lyre?!"
But when I do, he usually laughs
Deciding not to wear a helmet to your construction job.
My son got me good. I build websites for a living. He told me he didn’t like the one I was working on, and I should have let a spider do it.
You know. “Cause spiders are naturally good web designers.”
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Vladimir Putin is traveling abroad. He enters the customs line, approaches the agent and is asked: Agent: age? Putin: 66 Agent: occupation? Putin: not this time, just visiting.
I guess you could call it a merci killing!
Turns out I was in the ladies bathroom…
She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. "Go and get help!" he cried. "But I can't. I'm naked and my clothes are gone!" "Take my shoe", he said, "and cover yourself." Holding the shoe over her pubes, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, "Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!" The proprietor looked at the shoe and said, "There's nothing I can do…he's in too far."
My wife flashed before my eyes.
It has an ex axis and a why axis. Edit: Thanks for the silver!!
Just to get high
Probably because you can’t spell advertisements without semen between the tits.
I find them quite re-markable.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"
Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.
As the storm raged,the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. So he shouted out, "Anyone here know how to pray?" Just one guy stepped forward and said, "Aye, captain,I know how to pray." "Good,"said the captain, "You pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets – we're one short."
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Make me one with everything.
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light. The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light. The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light. The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke. The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied: "I figured if you 3 weren't ordering beer it would be rude for me to."
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
1, 2…get down
a BOOMERang. Ha.