Like basically every post on this sub, found on Facebook
monkeyuser knows it do be like that.
Translation: I don’t need the Top do I get the rest on sale?
BREAKING: DONALD TRUMP IS A CUCKOLD
What do you call a German virus?
This confuses me to no end
it happens to me often
I don’t get any of these dad jokes in this community!!!!
I must not have Reddit right.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
Grumpy Old Man
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
My mother sent me this
Because I’m British I can say that I smoked a fag and it wouldn’t be offensive
Regardless, I'm told his family cried heaps at the funeral.
found on my uncle’s facebook
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?" "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied. "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked. "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive." "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked. "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!" "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
Work from home
LOL They should build a wall to contain it
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
The punchline comes first
What’s the worst about time travel jokes?
My mum emailed this to me today under the subject “lols”
Nice start 😂😂 get it
It’s too much
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint. Credit: my dad
Debugging at its finest
the photo was already cropped this way when i found it
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long
A pithon Happy pi day
Trump’s immigration stance
There are to many of them
And no fucks were given that day
I own a farm and this morning one of my farmhands was dancing naked in front of the tractor.
I asked what the hell are you doing? He said his wife and him were having problems and the marriage counselor told him he had to do something sexy to a tractor.
So I work with a Chinese guy called Kim.
Once when we're having drinks, I asked him, "Aren't you tired of Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same? " He replied, "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife. "
Got my dad with this one
Currently staying at a hotel with my dad. Next to the parking lot there’s a sign that says “pet grounds”, pointing to where you can walk your dog. My dad reads it aloud, “pet grounds”, so I say “alright then”. I crouched down, pet the grass a little bit and said, “good grounds”. Got a good laugh out of it.
The guy who invented the knock knock joke…
Should win a no-bell prize
I have a friend who was born on October 10th. Every year for his birthday I get him a 3 foot long pole. He hates it.
It might be stupid, but 10/10 wood post again.
I just got into a car accident!
The other driver got out of his car, and turns out he was a dwarf. He ran up to me and exclaimed "I'm not happy!" So I said, "Well, which one are you then?"
People say the back of my head looks really nice
But I don't see it
I wonder why I’m single
Gotta love dad jokes
Wife: I have something I need to tell you, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m Dad. Wife: No you’re not.
The secret is stackoverflow
How Cult45 reacts when someone tells them their Dear Leader said something stupid.
Some day, Canada will take over the world.
And then we'll all be sorry.
F*ck my colon Edna
Happy Easter Don
Why did the rapper shave off his fancy mustache?
It couldn't handle the bars.
Panda! You missed all the excitement!
How many “friendzoned” nice guys does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they'll just compliment it for hours and get pissed when it won't screw.
No one in this administration is capable of telling the truth.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
Y’know, one would’ve been enough.
This meme might make so many people sad.
How many volunteers do we have for my army ?
"385, my liege." "Okay, round them up." "400, my liege."
This looks like something my grandma would put on her fridge
A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride…
The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop disturbing the other passengers. Irritated by this, the stranger nudges the redneck in his dirty boots, cowboy hat, and plaid shirt and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger, and this cabin is full of a bunch of morons." JimBob, who had just tilted his hat over his eyes to get some sleep, tilted it back up slowly and said to the stranger, "Yeeahp i hear that, whatcha wana talk 'bout?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger who began to grin, because he was about to show this dumb redneck how much smarter he is "How about nuclear power?" "Yeeahp. I dont much care for it" said JimBob. "Ok" said the stranger "why dont you ask me a question, and if i can answer it you have to pay for my next drink, and if i cant then ill leave you alone to sleep" JimBob considers for a moment, then says "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass – The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" After considering for a minute, Stranger says "Jeez, I have no idea." "Well, then," said JimBob as he tilted his hat back down and leaned his seat back, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?
What a coincidence.
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
I have joke about left-handers.
The only issue is I’m having trouble finding the right audience.
I’m sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion.
She’s single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
What do you get when you cross a cow with an octopus?
A visit from the ethics committee and an immediate withdrawl of your funding.
The director of Pulp Fiction…
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
Men after 40
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
Just a reminder
I like my women like i like my computer
Turned on On my lap Virus free
I’m reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
The corner in asbury Park (this one was forced down by police)