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The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.

So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.

The red flags were everywhere.

I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.

I've had it up to ear with him.

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”

I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.

“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.

It’s not stroganoff

Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?

I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.

My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"

I don’t like to interrupt her.

I’ll only be making inside jokes.

“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!

 I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

They are Santa's star bucks

Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.

They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Because they seem shady.

The shower gets turned on.

She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

Times new ramen

They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…

Somewhere in the high c's.

Until knight fall.

Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”