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A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”
The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband. The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to flicking channels and stuffing food in his mouth. The wife stands up, obviously angry at her husband. And turn the TV off. “Now you look here! You come home late, don’t even say hello, don’t explain why you were late either! I bet you were with that harlot from work again wasn’t you? You said it was over, how could you do this to me! I cook for you, clean for you, and all you do is treat me like a slave! My mother was right about you! I even…. The man lays back on the couch, his eyes glaze over and he zones out. “Damn” he mutters to himself, “it’s started”.
Fresh images from America… (A more accurate version)
Weird, isn’t it?
I used to be scared of pretty girls,
So my Mom explained that was silly, because they're much more scared of me.
The soviet union was doomed to fail
The red flags were everywhere.
This morning I was beat up by a woman in an elevator.
I was staring at her tits, and she said, "Could you please press one." So I did.
The left is “looking down on working class Americans” apparently.
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
Jesus dedicated a commandment to his mother. How sweet.
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink…
He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
This is our president
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
This one is actually a little much
Pick your poison
Einstein hated ML?
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
Recursion go brrrr
Boys… I think it’s about time I call it a night.
I’m an adult now, I can’t keep on calling it sleepy snoozies time.
just a virus
We need to focus guys, ignore those bugs !
The only proper thing to do
Sam walks into his boss’s office.
“Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.” After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. “By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?” “The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
Not One Republican Voted To Remove A Domestic Terrorist From Office…. Not One
Only way it would be true
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
I thought they’d be happy…
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Such skills (nsfw)
Cloud is a costly rental of someone else’s computer
Any time I wear a t shirt with a picture of a crocodile on it, I feel a little sick.
I think I might be Lacoste intolerant.
I was bored so I dug three holes in my backyard.
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
I havent spoken to my wife for eighteen months
I don’t like to interrupt her.
(Chuckles) I’m in Danger.
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home.
“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!
Calling back retirees…
When I see lovers’ nαmes cαrved in α tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it's surprising how mαny people bring a knife on a dαte.
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
Why do Dasher and Dancer love coffee?
They are Santa's star bucks
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Big brain time
A loop by any other name would smell as sweet
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
Boobs funny train funny
A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded. The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.” The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.” The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.” The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.” The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?” “Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier. “What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?” “No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli. So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?” “What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this–first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
Encountered this in the Facebook wilderness
Why can you never trust trees?
Because they seem shady.
Literally a poster on my library’s wall…
When I get into the shower naked
The shower gets turned on.
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
Null Pointer Exception
u cant b cereus
So we’re getting blinded all the time? Good to know
“Honey, where’s my pointer?”
Have you heard what Japan have instead of alphabet soup?
Times new ramen
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
My kid damaged my iphone so I am giving it away
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blue hair…
What is a pirate’s average grade ?
Somewhere in the high c's.
How long does a jousting match last?
Until knight fall.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?”
Husband: “You have perfect eyesight.”