“Like” if you get it
But nobody will do it.
This is known as many paws
It's a bit too foreign-sounding for my liking.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
You’re under a vest!
So they threw one into the sea and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
Hey, haven’t we metaphor?
They assured him he would be covered…
A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. “I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will sell me your soul, your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, your parent’s souls, your grandparent’s souls, and the souls of all your friends.
The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
The next diaper change could spell disaster.
I told him no it doesn’t
He was beside himself
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
Because they're good buoys.
The madam sees them and tells the girls, “just use blow-up sex dolls, they are so wasted they won’t know the difference”. So the three guys find themselves in their rooms with a girl, so the deed, and walk out. The first guy says, “those girls were odd”. The second says, “yeah, I wonder if they were dead, cause no matter what I did, she didn’t move.” The third guy says, “no way, I think they were witches!” Both other guys stopped at this, shocked, and ask, “what? Why do you think they were witches?” The third guy replies, “because when I bit her ass, she farted on my face, and flew out of the window…”
The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf.…" "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a little deer. If my mom was a duck and my dad was a goose, I'd be a little duckling." The annoyed bus driver stops the bus and turns to the boy saying, "What if your mom was a drunk and you dad was a bum?" The boy responds, "Then I'd be a bus driver."
He just couldn't bottle it up any longer.
but i don't see the point
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
In the bathtub, I always play Atlantis with my belly. But it just doesn't want to go down.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won’t open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.
I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said “Have a good day, son”
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad." He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
It got stuck in a crack
It becomes theiranium
They managed to coronise the world.
I said maybe.
The tribe tells each of them that they’ll let them live if they each go find 10 fruits each, so the guys split up to go find some fruits. The 1st guy comes back with apples and then the cannibal tribe tells him another part to the deal. “You have to put all ten up your butt without making a noise or we’ll execute you.” The man had no choice, so he starts putting the apples up his buy and gets to 4 before the pain is too much and he screams. The tribe executed him. The 2nd guy comes back with berries. They tell him the same thing. He gets to 9 and is about to put the 10th in when he starts laughing hysterically. Executed. The 1st and the 2nd guy are in the afterlife talking. The 1st says to the 2nd, “Why’d you laugh? You were so close?” And the 2nd guy says “Well, I saw the third and he had pineapples.”
That way you'll start off the new year on the right foot.
It was a real slap in the faith…
A guy who's too drunk to follow orders.