Lindsey in denial
As soon as I got him home he made a Bolt for the Door.
He's only got little legs
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
Pun in, 10 dead
Because you can't see in the dark
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
She said, "Oh the baby is mine, I get to keep it"
They both have to pass the bar.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.
Vladimir Putin was practicing a eulogy speech for an assassinated Russian politician in front of a mirror…
(ahem!) "He was a dear patriot and credit to the Motherland, whom I personally adored as a friend and colleague. I vow, as leader of Russia, to find the culprits responsible for this vicious murder…" Putin then stopped and turned to his aide. "Are you sure this strikes the right tone, Yuri? I mean, in terms of timing? I've been a bit preoccupied, so remind me, when was he killed?" After a few moments consulting his ipad, the aide replies, "Next week, sir."
but none of them work.
Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey
I am now independent.
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. In other words…
…there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
…but the working conditions were shocking
The motion was passed.
When I turned into a teenager, my dad repeatedly emphasized the importance of using a condom whenever I have sex.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
Exactly what you do when you take them out of the oven.
"Which is?" he asked. "Exactly."
. After a drink or two, they start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors attending an out-of-town medical conference. After about an hour, the man says to the woman, "Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight-no strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun." Considering that the man looked and acted pleasant enough, the woman doctor agrees to it. The two go to her hotel and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom, undresses, preps, and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and gets into bed. They have foreplay for 20 minutes and *** for 30 minutes or so. Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?" "Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started." "Oh, that makes sense", says the woman. You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?" "Yeah", says the man, a bit surprised. "How did you know?" The woman answers, "Because after you poked me, I didn't feel a thing."
That’s a lot of pressure.
Too much socky.