Liquid Crystal Display
Spotted a wild one on Facebook
Why hasn’t this happened?
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.
She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks" The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added… "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen."
I spotted my ex girlfriend across the hall of the museum, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.
There was just too much history between us.
One of the best gift!
“it’s not so hard! It’s just opposite of differentiation”…
I was applying for an Australian citizenship
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
My dad just sent me this
Still does its job
Reason why you should take up marathon training
It will help you in the long run.
The elusive “husband bad”
“I’m a victim of veganism” -Piers Morgan
A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too" Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?" His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
The most stable genius
Trump presidency = Chernobyl
I was driving on the highway with my wife, and she said, “Hey, you missed a right!”
I said, “Thanks babe. You MRS. Right.”
It’s a little funny
BREAKING NEWS: Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus..
In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy.. He presented with vomit on his sweater already.. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
What do you call a five foot psychic that’s escaped from jail?
A small medium at large.
A friend of mine used to be morbidly obese, but after lots of exercise and hard work…
We were able to lift his coffin.
Found in the wild
might have to start paying in algae bucks
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
Here’s a picture inside of the busiest railway station ( Howrah Station) in India!
What do short people in Minnesota like to drink?
1/100 chance, I’d kill someone
New attack on RSA found! Click here for more info!
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
They’ve got a point… they never give the doctors credit
3 vampire brothers want to see who is the strongest
The first brother flies off at 100mph and comes back 10 minutes later. His mouth was covered in blood. “You see the mansion over there?” Said the first brother, “I sucked everybody in there dry.” The second vampire said “That’s nothing” and flew off at 150mph and came back 5 minutes later with his nose and mouth covered in blood. “You see the village over there?” Said the second vampire brother, “I sucked everybody’s blood dry!” The third vampire said “That’s nothing!” And flew off at 200mph and came back 10 seconds later, his whole face and shirt DRENCHED in blood. “Woah, what happened?” Said the first brother. “Well, you see that tree over there?” Said the third vampire. “Yeah?” Replied the other brothers, “I didn’t.”
Still holds up. Great movie.
BDE is a thing.
Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky,
“Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please…” “Well, all right, three times…” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked…” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again…” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 98 votes short…”
hope this hasnt been posted already, but here goes
what did the buffalo say to his son when he left? bi-son
This is a scream of boomerism
I wanted to post a joke about sodium
But then I was like Na, people wont understand.
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
Aha. Now I get it.
Never have I been this disappointed in my peers.
Proof Tupac is still alive!
I hope Death is a woman
That way it will never come for me
I honestly don’t get it
When you feel the need to travel
I write bugs only
Santa is at the verge of homelessness.
Latest cartoon from Michael de Adder
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
” Dad, I beg you, tell me the truth. Am I adopted? “
We don’t do that here
That was some looney tunes shit
Oh because of corona virus! I get it! Hahahahaha!
A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question…….
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."