Liquid Crystal Display
Why did the can-crusher man quit his job?
because it was soda-pressing
I can make the boss give me the day off.
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.
OK Boomer vs. an OK Boomer
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for the Fresh Prints
One day it will unleash the hell
What do you call a hen that counts her own eggs?
not the way to get ahead
When will 6 be long enough
I was thinking they should change the name of the wishbone to the Napoleon.
Because you pull the Bonaparte.
| don’t understand why some people use fractions instead of decimals.
It's pointless. But, anyway. You gotta draw the line somewhere, or else people will think you're being irrational. But that is beside the point.
Atoms be like
Haha kids don’t talk
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
No crying afterwards
A man walks into a bar carrying a plastic bag
The Bartender asks, "What's in the bag?" The guy doesn't reply. Instead, reaches into the bag and pulls out a lamp, a tiny stool, a tiny piano, and a tiny man in a tuxedo that appears to only be a foot tall. The guy sets the piano down in front of the stool, and the tiny man sits on it and starts playing the piano. The bartender is amazed, and so he asks the guy, "Where the fuck did you get this?" The guy replies, "I asked this genie. You can ask for something if you want, but be careful, he don't hear very well." The bartender greedily snatches the lamp out of the guy's hands and says, "I want a million bucks!" All of a sudden, POOF, a million ducks appear in the bar. The bartender who is outraged asks, "What the hell? I asked for BUCKs, not DUCKs?!" The guy says, "I told you, he doesn't hear very well. Do you really think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"
Doctor: “Alright, it looks like we’re ready to deliver the baby.”
Me: “Actually, we’d like him to keep his liver.”
Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
This picture bugs me in so many ways
Once I was so broke I couldn’t even pay the electricity bill.
Those were dark days.
A tourist visits an Indian reservation…
…where he finds an old chief who claims that he remembers everything that has ever happened in his life. The tourist is curious and asks the chief "What did you have for breakfast on your 5th birthday?" Without hesitation the chief replies "eggs". Impressed, he continues his vacation and returns home. Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again. He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how". The old chief simply replies "scrambled".
There’s an L in Noel even though there is Noel
No text found
Landlords when they have to give back a deposit.
Regarding the recent tax return ruling
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland
Well the flag is a big plus
There definitely is another..
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
Did you hear about the mechanic that was caught having sex with car parts?
He got off with a suspension.
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
I dated a girl with a lazy eye once
Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
Boomer online dating
A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted…
They assured him he would be covered…
*Insert an HTML programmer joke here*
My dad asked me why there was a lion and a witch in the wardrobe?
I said its Narnia business
Its called science look it up .
Maybe sit this one out, Meghan.
No.. I’m not alone… I’m not..
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
I once knew a guy who cross bred insects for fun.
I liked the guy at first, but eventually I got tired of his crazy ant ticks.
Might as well
“Unreachable code block.”
VR has been proven to help cerebral palsy
Mistake after mistake
the place where math and chemistry collide
A man approaches a priest. “Bless me father, for I have sinned,” he says.
“I’ve spent the week with seven beautiful women.” “Do not fret, my son,” says the priest. “All you need to do is take seven lemons, squeeze the juice into a glass and drink the juice.” “Will that cleanse my sin from me?” “No, but it’ll wipe that fuckin’ smile off your face.”
Need that cuppa o Joe!!!
Emerging back into society after a heavy dose of programming can be tough
Someone told be that on your Cake Day, you get free Karma!
My Ma: I'm not buying you a car.
High-value target protection
Go away Cupid!
A legendary alliance.
Slightly peeved that the makers of the shampoo, “Head and Shoulders”…
…have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner.
So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I named my horse Mayo,
and sometimes Mayo neighs.
I love to tell Dad jokes
But he never laughs at any of them.
“Dad, I’m so happy! I got a B in reading!”
Dad: That’s a D, idiot.
Ding ding ding!, 38% of Americans
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band…
But I quit as it was just one ting after another…
6192 degrees Fahrenheit
What did the necrophiliac get after his wife died?
MaGa hats be like
Yes, Because Today’s Youth Love It When People Send Them Dick Pics
Guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm
Bartender says "what's up with the octopus?" Guy says "this octopus can play any musical instrument you put in front of him." There's a band on the stage, so the guitar player walks up and puts down his guitar. Tentacles start flying, and the guitar starts making the most beautiful sounds you ever heard from a guitar in your life. Sax player walks up and puts down his saxophone. Tentacles start flying, and the next thing you know, he's playing the saxophone like a master. At the back of the bar is an old Scottish man, who walks up in his kilt and lays a bagpipe in front of the octopus. Tentacles start flying, but no noise is happening. The guy, nervous, says "come on octopus, what's going on?" Octopus goes "dude, I'm trying to get her pajamas off, you mind?"
“Ok MAGA”. Here is the plan!