Liquid Crystal Display
What do you get when you cross Father’s Day and Cake day?
Extra Karma… I hope.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.
This bar joke caught me by surprise
A weasel walks into a bar. The Bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get you?" "Pop," goes the weasel.
A dung beetle walks into a bar…
Is this stool taken?
18 year old: Dad I turn 18 today!
Dad: great, I'm taking you the strip club tonight. 18 year old: No, I already said I didn't want that. Dad: Nicole, someone needs to work in this house.
“We did the biggest death. Many are saying the best most death they’ve ever seen”
https://ift.tt/3bAG0x3
What kind of medical condition causes wrinkles clothes?
An iron deficiency.
My friend changed his name from William to Lawrence
That’s how a Bill becomes a Law.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma
6 months later she wakes up and asks the doctors about her baby. Doctor: you had twins! A boy and a girl. They are both healthy. Luckily, your brother was here and he named them. Woman: oh no, he is an idiot. What are their names? Doctor: the girls name is Denise Woman: okay, that’s not to bad, what about the boy? Doctor: Denephew
If I had a nickel every time I was confused
I’d be like, where the fuck do all these nickels keep coming from?
Studies show cows produce more Milk when the Farmer talks to them.
It’s a case of in one ear and out the udder
Why are women and children evacuated first in a disaster?
So we can think about a solution in silence.
I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.
He just came out of the closet.
Why did the biology teacher break up with the physics teacher?
They had no chemistry 🥺
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
People in Athens hate getting up early
Because dawn is tough on Greece
A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear
Ahh Migraines!
Who Wants to Learn Roman Numerals??
Well, I for one..
The only thing flat earthers have to fear….
Is sphere itself
– A young Arab boy asks his father “What is that strange hat you are wearing??”
The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this bollocks?
What happened when two silkworms challenged each other to a race?
It ended in a tie! 👔
My girlfriend is like pi plus the square root of negative one.
Complex, irrational and barely more than a 3.
Wife “Do you want to watch The Last Airbender with us?”
Me "I dunno. I haven't even watched the first one." Groans from the wife and kids ensue.
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance…
Unfortunately, she blew it!
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
What does a goat put on after his pants?
His goatee
A roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says…
"Five beers please."
“How many digits of pi do you know?” – “All of them…
I just always forget the order!”
I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.
He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Overheard at Epcot:
In the Germany section of Epcot, the guy in front of me orders a beer. Cashier says "nine dollars please", guy: "woah, free beer"!
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
To get a girl, some guys use pick up lines. Others rely on the attraction of their car
So I figure a pick up truck should cover both bases
