Did you hear Marry Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super color fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious
A homosexual, a con artist and a child molester walk into a bar.
"What can I get you, father," asks the bartender.
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
How many mystery novel writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to screw it in almost all the way, and another one to give it a surprising twist at the end.
I remember when Mom used to tuck me in
She really wanted a daughter.
Call me water because online school got me bent
not based on a true story
How chemists pay respect
My wife came home from the doctors today and was looking all pleased with herself, so I asked her why she was so happy. She said, “The doctor said that for a 45 year old woman, I’ve got the breasts of an 18 year old.” I snickered, “Oh yeah and what did he say about your 45 year old ass?”
She laughed, “Your name never came up in conversation.”
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener.
you gotta do … what you gotta do!
Don’t complain now
Feel bad for the people around him
STDs are a lot like Pokemon…
It's hard to catch them all, but once you do, the game is pretty much over.
What did the baby corn say to the momma corn?
Where's pop corn?
I was in the bank earlier, when the woman behind the counter started singing, “Downtown”…
I thought to myself, "What a peculiar clerk."
Typical Boomers humor – social media ruins souls
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
A Simple Demonstration
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
This is pretty self explanatory
Babies Drinking beer. So funny!!! If your baby didn’t drink beer then YOU’RE A SISSY
This is the only good boomer comic
Goes by the name “Bunkerboy.”
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year’s resolution was.
She said "Fuck you". So I'm pretty excited for 2019.
Your butt may not know the difference here, but your code will
The new normal.
W I F E
Stomp stomp clap
I pretend to be gay in order to gain the trust of women I like.
I listen to their problems, I learn about color matching and fashion so that I can go shopping with them, I ask them about their feelings, etc. The whole thing. Once they trust me, I wait patiently and the moment they let their guard down, BAM! I fuck their boyfriends.
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
I came home with a salamander on my shoulder and my son, all excited, shouted, “What’s his name!?”
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
I bet this was the same diner they’ve eaten at on the regular, too.
I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can’t even say black paint
You have to say Leroy, please paint that wall
[Announcement] If you keep spamming your youtube channels here then your post will be marked as spam.
Which means that you will not only be banned from posting to this sub but you may get a shadow ban from reddit. Shadow ban means that you will not be able to post anything to ANY subreddit. Just follow the rules before posting.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat tide pods.
But it's harder to deter gents. I'll let myself out.
Dude 1: “Bro can you pass me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure.”
Why did Robin Hood pull out of the archery competition?
He found it an arrowing experience
It’s that time of year again.
One night a viking named Rudolph The Red was looking out the window when he suddenly said "It's going to rain". His wife was confused and asked him "How do you know?" He looked at her and responded "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear." Edit: Oooh my first Silver, thank you very much whoever you are!
I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta
Now it's a Ford Focus
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
6:30 is the BEST time on the clock
One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I'm going to let my driver reply to it for me."
It’s awesome code, until you look at it again the next week
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore…
Definitely time for a new keyboard.
Did he father one of the aliens?
My three favorite things are eating my family
and not using commas.
How do you make a waterbed more bouncy ?
Add Spring Water
Whats the difference between an envelope and a window?
Nobody looks at you funny when you lick an envelope
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
Wife bad, cheating good
Did you here about the man who broke his funny bone?
They soaked it in water and it became a laughing stock.
No need to it
Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?
The United States of America.
A komodo dragon works security cameras at a store for other komodo dragons. Mostly, he makes sure no other dragon is spying on the customers…
He's a monitor monitor monitoring a monitor for monitoring monitors.
My mum’s Facebook is a goldmine for this stuff…..
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Different reactions to New App Idea’s
Brings me back to the good old days with PBP
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.