Lisa u ain’t cool :(
What is a Redditors favorite food?
Copypasta!!
An ego and a superego walk into a bar.
The bartender says โIโll have to see some idโ.
[NSFW] Why did the eunuch’s wife leave him?
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
Why can you get arrested if you tell Optimus Prime a joke?
Vehicular manโs laughter.
A dude walks into a restaurant and says,
"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?" The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can." The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of this shit joint?" "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from swearing in this restaurant." "Fuck off!" replies the dude. "And where's the fucking piano?" "What?" says the manager. "Fucking deaf are we? You little piece of shit, show me your fucking piano." "Oh, you're here for the pianist job. Can you play any blues?" says the manager showing the dude the piano. "Of course I fucking can," and the guy plays the most inspiring and beautiful blues that the manager has ever heard. "That's good, what's it called?" "I want to fuck your wife on the couch but the springs keep hurting my balls," replies the pianist. The manager is disturbed but asks if he knows jazz. So he proceeds to play the best jazz solo the manager has ever heard. "Great!" cries the manager. "What's it called?" "I wanted to fuck your daughter but she's still at school." The manager gets angry but asks if he knows any ballads, he then plays the most heartbreaking melody. "And what's this called?" asks the manager. "As I fuck her under the stars, the moonlight shines off her hairy pussy," he replies. The manager is upset but offers him the job if he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers. This arrangement works well for a little bit, until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde the dude has ever seen. She's wearing a see through dress and her tits are falling out the top. She is sitting there with her legs wide open, staring at him. It's too much for him so he runs off to the restroom to yank one out. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager yell "Where's that pianist!?" He just has time to cum and then he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself right, sits down and starts playing his music. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear: "Do you know your cock is hanging out of your pants and dripping jizz on your shoes?" "Know it," he replies, "I fucking wrote it!"
I just saw some idiot at the gym
he put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.
"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western Iโve ever seen.
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
I’m really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.
Now every little ting is gonna be all right!
When I show people my step ladder I always tell them in a sad voice,
โI never knew my real ladder.โ
Went to the doctors for a prostate exam
During the exam he said it's not unusual to become aroused or even ejaculate ……. But I still wish he hadn't
The chances of a kidnapped person falling in love with his/her kidnapper is about 8%
The chances of someone falling in love with me just went from 0% to 8%
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why donโt blind people like to go skydiving?
It scares the dog.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you? "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him. "Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us?" "You should go outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes Please." "Where are you?" to which he hears, "Over here on the swing set."
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
Student 1: My name is Tom Archer because my ancestors were making bows and arrows.
Student 2: My name is Sam Baker because my forefathers were bakers. Student 3: My name is John Dickinson, and I hate this game.
My 7 year old daughter
Driving home from my family's Christmas party. Daughter – Dad, on Friday I need some French fries. Me – confused..why?? Daughter – because it's Fry-day. So proud.
What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts cost 2.50 deer nuts are just under a buck.
What do you get when you inject a goat with human DNA?
A ban from the petting zoo.
I just bought a mentos 24 pack for my family.
Best trade ever.
I got a temporary tattoo
Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour and got a tattoo. But it wouldnโt wash off this morning, so I went back to complain. But the tattoo parlour wasnโt there.
Whenever I’m sad my friend always says “cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water”
I know he means well… Edit: WOAH! my first silver. Thank you anonymous stranger!
Sam walks into his bossโs office.
โSir, Iโll be straight with you, I know the economy isnโt great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.โ After a few minutes of haggling the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave. โBy the wayโ, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, โwhich three companies are after you?โ โThe electric company, water company, and phone companyโ, Sam replied.
Y’all might think that old people are boring
But you have to admit, their chairs are rockin'
Someone threw cheese at meโฆ
Real mature!
My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”…
That way he doesn't hit anything
What do you call the testicles of a peacock?
His peanuts
I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels
It's my new year's resolution
Anyone hear about the transsexual lion that became a vegetarian?
He was a her before.
Triple JAVA – me coding Java, whilst drinking Java and being in Java, Indonesia
https://ift.tt/2RX5hLx
Two fish sitting in a tank
One of them turns to the other and says "How do you drive this thing?"
When you die, which body part dies last?
The pupils. They dilate.