Listen 2020 don’t you do it …
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
How do you find put how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
Last weekend I went to a dog zoo with my kids.
They only had one dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
What do you call a bigoted fashion designer?
Clothes-minded.
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
Two prostitutes were chatting on the corner. One says to the other, “You ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
She says, "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a couple times."
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
No text found
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
There’s nothing like the first floor of a house. But the upstairs…
Well that’s a different story.
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies: “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Tesla’s don’t have that new car smell.
They come with that Elon Musk.
What’s the difference between a fish, a piano, and a stick of glue?
You can’t tuna fish! “What about the glue?” I knew you’d get stuck on that!
I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I tell dad jokes but I have no kids
I’m a faux pa
A physicist see a man about to jump from a ledge. He yells.
"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"
You can’t spell advertisements without semen..
..between the tits.
This is why you check for kids
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "£250." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball glove." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "I'll tell." Man: "How much?" Boy: "£750." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "£1,000." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
Did you hear about the day the cows ran away?
It was udder madness
Since Trump became president, the secret service hasn’t been allowed to yell “Get down!” when he is under attack…
Instead they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
Daddy, what is clickbait?
No text found
I spent a summer working on a rabbit farm…
It was a hare raising experience…
How To Fall Down The Stairs:
Step 1: Step 2: Step 5: Step 8: Step 14:
I just had to breakup with my cross eyed girlfriend
She was seeing other people
A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen
…are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals? "Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts." "I disagree," announces the Italian. "It is our food. The creatures of the wild eat, but they do not cook. Humans on the other hand, create amazing dishes and new combination that make eating a most enjoyable experience." "I say it's art," decides the Frenchman. "No other being can create art. From our earliest days we have painted, and now we sculpt, write and compose as well. The wild animals cannot ever know what it is like to cry over a beautiful piece of art." All three now look towards the Englishman, expecting his answer. He takes a long sip of tea before answering, "The Channel".
A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church
The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks. " The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?" "Pastor, I'm afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied . "What happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor. "That's okay," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the grocery store anymore either."
I went to the doctor and he said i was going deaf.
It's been 3 weeks and I have not heard from him since.
“Anything these days,” I told my son.
He frowned a little. "What's that?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Huh?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "I don't understand. Explain?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. He sighed loudly. "Are you crazy, dad?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad, snap out of it. What's going on?" he asked. "Anything these days," I said. "Dad! Dad! Come on. Tell me what you mean?" he asked. There was a pause. "Anything these days," I continued. At this point he was enraged and yelled, "Jesus Christ, I've had enough of this nonsense. What on Earth are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Jees. You're driving me insane!" There was a silence. "This is the world we live in," I concluded. "You can't say anything these days without offending someone."
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
