listen up you all, facebook is really bad
“Hey remember when we were kids and use to finish each other’s sentences?”
I won’t rest until I find it.
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
One of the bulls is large and has 100 cows to himself. The second bull is medium sized and has 70 cows. The third bull is small and has 30 cows. One day the farmer gets another bull. The large bull says, “I don’t care how big he is, he’s not getting a single one of my cows.” The medium bull says, “Same here, those are my cows.” The small bull agrees saying, “I’ll fight if I have to, but he’s not taking my cows.” The new bull is brought to the farm. The trailer is shaking, and the door bursts open. One of the farmhands is launched backwards, and massive bull comes out of the trailer. The large bull says, “Forget it, he can have my cows.” The medium bull, quivering by now, says, “No way can I stop him. I guess he can have my cows, too.” They look to the small bull to see him raring up for a fight. “What the hell are you doing?! You can’t hope to take him,” they scream to the small bull. The small bull calmly replies, “I’m trying to make sure he knows I’m not a cow.”
He was under a tack
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.
:Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians on the horizon and thinks: ”I’m fucked…”, but a voice in the back of his head says: ”Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!”
''What?! Why?'' – thinks the cowboy. ''Just kill the chief!'' – says the voice. The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief. As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked…''
They believe it is the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
Edit：Wow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
“I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex,” my wife screamed at me. “I’m really disappointed.”
“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
I burst out laughing, 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
One day he got so angry, he just flipped.
"Arrrr…it were on sail."
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
20% of everything all the money we stole.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
But then, I realized I would miss being a person so I didn't.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
so I tried it. It doesn't.
Said the city's most hated cab driver.
The kids will never play Monopoly with us again.
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do? Miner: Mine
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.