Literally
My family was cracking up while eating eggs for breakfast this morning
They were great yolks
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
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Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, “Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he took off his clothes and started banging his manhood on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience
The second time let me down
A bad workman blames his fools…
EDIT: tools …stupid keyboard…
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary Islands? And the same thing applies to the Virgin Islands;
There are no canaries there either.
When does a pun become a dad joke?
when it becomes apparent.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Life is like a box of chocolates
It doesn't last long for fat people
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
Son: What rhymes with purple?
Dad : No, it doesn’t.
Why did the banana company fire the truck driver?
He drove them nuts.
I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard
I said toucan play that game.
A girl walks into a gun store and falls onto a weapon rack.
The gunstore owner says: She just fell into my arms
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline’s a motherf*cker.
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured. Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do that?""Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I fish."
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
A naked man arrives at a costume party with a girl on his back.
"I'm a turtle", he says. "Oh… who's on your back?" "That's Michelle", he replies.
what the difference between a snowman and a snowoman?
the snow balls
Why did the baby go to jail?
Because he was resisting a rest.
My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old…
… but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.
It’s a great time to be an ER doctor.
Business is really surgeon.
Today I hit my son in the head with a soda can
Lucky it was a soft drink
What is this, some kind of Boomer joke that I’m too Millennial to understand?
https://ift.tt/2H77fSO
