Literally can’t stop laughing 😂😂😂 please send help 😂😂😂 my lungs are collapsing 😂😂😂 i may literally die 😂😂😂
A retail store.
He said: "No sir, Ill need it back tomorrow night"
Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today.
He kept getting high C's
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
Nice belt! Courtesy of my 11-year-old, Ben.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened. “First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector”, says the Coroner. “Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.” The Inspector asked, “What of the third body?” “Ah,” says the coroner, “this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning.” “Why is he smiling then?” inquires the Inspector. “Thought he was having his picture taken.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
My dog doesn’t even OWN a bike.
It's on paper view.
Me: It’s okay. I can come back when you are sober.
I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
They all jump into the life boats, but due to the weight, the life boats start sinking as well. The doctor exclaims “Save the children!” And begins to jump out of the lifeboat. The lawyer grabs the doctor and pulls him back stating “Screw the children!” The priest says “Do we have time?”
The bartender says, "I think there's a typo hare".
They'll get over it.
A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money …. he calls home. "Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in University that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!" "That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course." So, his father sends the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks. "Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this — they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!" "Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But the young lad has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does". "Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?" The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
They have tiny little antibodies…
A cold shoulder.
Because you’re supposed to eat three squares meals a day.