Literally dead 🤣😂
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
At last…….I have managed to find my wife’s ‘G’ spot….
….who would have thought her sister had it the whole time
I just paid $350 for a limousine, but found out it didnt have a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffeur it.
Man: I’ve been shot!
Random dad: How can I help you? Man: Call me an ambulance! Random dad: You're an ambulance
Are you pissed?
Wife: Not necessarily. Me: Ok. So you are pissed but, unnecessarily?
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Would not be suprised if this have ben posted here in one form or another but here goes
https://ift.tt/36Z0Eog
What do you call a midget party?
…a little get-together.
How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots
A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow
He now has a rare medium well done
A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it.
In order the figures were: 1) A Woman. 2) A Donkey. 3) A Shovel. 4) A Fish. 5) A Star of David. After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousands of years old but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1) The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2) The donkey indicated they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3) The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools. 4) The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5) The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said "I'm sorry to harm your conclusions, but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from right to left. That way it reads: "Holy mackerel dig the ass on that woman!"
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
No text found
A girl once said about me “He’s the one!”
Granted I would have preferred she didn't say it in a police lineup. But you have to take what you get.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs.
Been dating the same girl for 5yrs and I always keep her picture in my wallet. Whenever I face difficulties in life I take out my wallet and stare at her picture. And it comforts me knowing that if I can survive being in a relationship with this psychopath, I can survive anything.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He's now a seasoned veteran.
What part of the body dies last?
The pupils, they dilate
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
nothing tops a plain pizza
No text found
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
I opened a pistachio shell, and there was nothing inside.
Even Mother Nature is participating in No Nut November.
A drunk in a bar is yelling “All lawyers are thieves”
The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy." The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?" "No, I'm a thief" says the guy.
The recently put forward a referendum to allow public flatulance
The motion was passed.
I’m a 40 year old with the body of a 20 year old…
Any tips for burying him?
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing
But it's what's inside that counts
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby! (Blatant cake joke for karma! LOL)
“Hey dad, what does gay mean?” The boy asked his dad
"Gay is when a person is happy." his dad replied The boy thought for a long time before asking "Hey dad, are YOU gay?" His dad quickly responded again with "No son, I'm married to your mother."
The FBI had an open position for an assassin…
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
A sheep dog tells her owner she found all fifty sheep. Her owner says that there should only be 46
The dog says, “but I rounded them up.”
Twenty years ago, I married my best friend in the whole world.
If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!
