LITERALLY GUYS LITERALLY
The ending of Game of Thrones makes sense, think about it.
Arya went west, Jon went north, Drogon went east, and the show went south.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts
I won't lie, it was a Rocky Road.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it’s cheaper…
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
My favourite sex position is called “WOW” …
It's where I flip your MOM over
My wireless keyboard isn’t working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
Two hillbillies walk into a restauarant
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head "NO". The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the food flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I never seen nobody done it.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, “can I have a bookmark?” I started crying, 10 years and he still doesn’t know my name is brad.
Yesterday, I was washing the car with my son.
He said: ‘dad, can’t you just use a sponge?’
Carl is into the tenth year of his life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.
…after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape. "You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's components." Jim is skeptical, but intrigued. Carl continues: "For the last five years, I've been swallowing pieces off my uniform. It's perfect, because the guards just think it's rats chewing on it." So Jim asks, "Well, what does that have to do with me? How can I help?" Carl says "Well, the pieces of fabric come out as individual fibers. I figure by this time next year, we'll have enough to fashion enough rope to get over the wall. I just need you to tie the fibers." Jim, disgusted, says "You have got to be kidding me!" And Carl says "I shit. You knot."
It’s amazing how Seasons work. I’m in Japan, it’s mid December and I’m freezing…
But apparently back in the England it's the end of May.
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
[NSFW] I went for a job interview to become a blacksmith yesterday. The interviewer asked me if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said no, but I once told a donkey to fuck off.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together…
People say I have a dad-bod
I prefer to think of it as a father figure.
The US Space Force uniform camouflage vs the Netflix Space Force Series uniform camouflage
https://ift.tt/2Tyb0br
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam show I have ever seen.
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
Recently broke my thumb, I asked the nurse if I’d be able to play the piano?
She said I would I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,"I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied,"Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, walked back to his patrol car, and left.