Literally no need
Describe yourself in three words
Not good at math
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
Imagine the titanic with a lisp..
It’s unthinkable
Why was the restaurant so slow?
The servers were down.
What did the bean say to the other bean?
How you been?
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Why did the pianist get arrested?
Because he was fingering minors.
This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen." Edit: I think it's bad that I'm more excited watching this get ups that I was about the whole of Christmas
Dwayne Johnson locked eyes with Medusa
nothing happened
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
He was given two consecutive sentences
Give a man a gun and he’ll rob a bank.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
What’s the difference between hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
Love is like a fart
If you have to force it it’s probably shit.
Dad: Son did you know you were named after Benjamin Franklin?
Son: But Dad my name is Scott. How could I be named after him? Dad: He was named in 1706.
This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall…
He asks the bartender, "What's that?" The bartender replies, "It's a moose." The Scottish chap shouts back, "How big are the cats!?"
Four-year-old son unknowingly got me with this one
Me: We need to put on our jackets because it's a little cold outside today. Son after stepping outside: No Dad, it's a big cold
Unicyclists think they’re so superior…
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything.
They were pirates of the car I be in.
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
I still remember my childhood fondly, when my dad used to roll us down the hill inside car tires.
Those were the Good Years.
Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
He wanted to get a long little doggy. (credit: my sister, Lisa)
A husband will only have sex with his wife on one condition
A married couple of 20 years were as normal as could be, bar one little quirk the husband had in the bedroom. He'd only have sex with the lights off. The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good. However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light. She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand. There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do." The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".