Literally no need

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach.
As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
As a dentist, I only get paid for each prosthetic implant I complete…
Nothing dentured, nothing gained!
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
Whatβs green and doesnβt weigh much?
Light green
My deaf girlfriend just told me βI think we need to talk.β
Thatβs not a good sign.
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette! I will not mess up this omelette!
I will enjoy these scrambled eggs!!
I am convinced that my wife is secretly adding glue to my weapons collection.
She keeps denying it, but Iβm sticking to my guns.
Some races are inferior and should be eliminated
No offense, I just don't enjoy Nascar.
The furniture store keeps calling…
All I wanted was one nightstand.
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
I scared the mailman by answering the door naked.
I don't know what scared him more. The fact I was naked or because I knew where he lived.
Why do teenage girls only hang around in groups of odd numbers?
Because OMG they canβt even.
A blonde was getting pretty desperate for money.
She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman. The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie "Yeah, I have a job for you. How would you like to paint the porch?" "Sure that sounds great!" said Julie. "Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man. "Is fifty bucks all right?" she asked. "Yeah, great. You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage." The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening. "Fifty bucks! Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?" asked the wife. "Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied. About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door. "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner. The man was amazed. "You painted the whole porch?" "Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!" The man reached into his wallet to pay her. "Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
Sheβs still not talking to me.
My grandfather, who was in the army, once told me, β1940, I met my first love. 1946, my second. 1950, I met the woman of my dreams.β
βIt was quite a hectic evening.β
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
My friend told me not to drink from the wall.
I knew he meant well.
If I could be any super hero, I would be Aluminum Man…
…my super power would be foiling crime.
A man owned a small ranch in Montana,
One day the labor department got a tip he wasnβt paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out whatβs going on. βPlease tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay themβ, the investigator asked the rancher. The rancher replied, βmy ranch hand has been with me 3 years and I pay him $1200 per week plus free room and boardβ. βThe cook has been here a year and I pay him $1000 per week plus room and boardβ βAnd there is a half-wit. He works 18 hours a day with no days off doing about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board, although I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally. β The investigator said βthatβs the guy I want to talk to!β βYou already areβ replied the rancher.
A limbo champion walks into a bar…
he is immediately disqualified.
What do you call bears with no teeth?
Gummy bears.
Why is Beef a bad password
Itβs not stroganoff
I once paid $20.00 to see Prince perform
But I partied like it was $19.99
Dad what is Mozart doing now?
He is de-composing.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today. Larry Tesler, the inventor of copy and paste died today.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
I started carrying a gun after an attempted mugging a few years ago….
…since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
True story but funny.
While filling my car up i noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see 2 cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it… tax dollars in action I guess. As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying" type screaming. I look around and see that this womans arm is on fire! She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air! The cops jump into action and put the fire out, then arrest and handcuff her! I think this is a bit harsh and that the woman should be going to the hospital, not jail so I ask one cop why are they arresting her. The cop replied, "For waving a firearm in public"
What do you call a starving hippo in Budapest?
A hungry Hungary hippo
βMy wife looked at me and said, “you weren’t even listening were you?”
I thought to myself, "What a weird way to start a conversation."
I try to tell everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
Itβs all about raisin awareness.
I thought of a great joke about a boomerang, but I forgot it.
It will come back to me.