Literally the life we all live.
A guy could not find his wife at the mall. He approaches the hottest woman he could find.
"Excuse me miss, I can't find my wife. Can I to talk to you?" He asked her. She said "Sure, but how is that going to help finding your wife?" I said "Trust me, as soon as we start talking, she will appear out of nowhere".
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
Boyfriend asks Girlfriend
B: "If I die, will you find a new boyfriend?" G: "NOOO! I'll never be with another guy, I'll rather go and stay with my sister! What would you do if I die?" B: "I would also stay with your sister"
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It's time consuming.
I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles.
My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.
One boy tell the other: “There is an easy way to get what you want”
The other boy said, "How?" "Tell people you know their secret" The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!" The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10" The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!" The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15" The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!" The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"
A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money…
So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
Schrodinger’s Crush
Before you ask her out, she is both single and taken
Man, I really love my furniture
me and my recliner go way back.
“Hey Dad, why does Jesus wear a crown of thorns in every picture?”
“No idea. That’s a real head-scratcher.”
Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S.
One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend. "Which part did you get?" Edit: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Bilbo awoke one morning to find that a Tesco supermarket had been built next to his house
That's an unexpected item in the Baggins area!
Two satellites decided to get married
The wedding wasn't that good but the reception-amazing
What do you call a failed abortion?
Survival of the fetus
my friend told me there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends
i really hope it's Jerry, he's cute
Me: You made a mean cup of coffee!
Her: So, you like it? Me: I just told you it was average.
A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:
BUMP!… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog h e makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him FASTER… FASTER… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… …on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket… and, [Wait for it…] The coffin stops.
Why are there two d’s in reddit?
The second one is a repost.
What did God say after he separated the light from the darkness?
I think I'll call it a day.
Waiter: Do you want a box for your leftovers?
No. But I'll wrestle you for them.
My son seemed really upset that he came in last at the Karate competition.
He was kicking himself.
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears.
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Love is like a fart.
If you have to force it, it’s probably shit.
Why did the semen cross the road?
I put the wrong socks on this morning
Robin: “The Batmobil isn’t starting!” Batman: “Did you charge the battery?”
Robin: “What the hell is a tery?”
What do you call a floating dog?
A good buoy.
My 8yr old daughter got me with “I can breathe under water”
She filled a cup of water placed it on her head and began to violently and rapidly breathe in and out. The force is strong with her.
What’s the difference between an ass-kisser and a brown-noser?
Depth perception
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
One day a man was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp.
He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp. Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most: your boss." So the man agreed and made his first wish. "I want lots of money", he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man's bank account and 44 million appeared in his boss' account. For his second wish, the man wished for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lambergini, Ferrari and Porsche appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside of his boss' house. Finally the genie said, "This is your last wish, you should choose carefully," and to this the man replied, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney…"
-Sir, you have a bladder infection.
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
