Literally the same thing
In the United States, youâre American.
But in the bathroom, European.
An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, ‘I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.’ The rancher replies, ‘Okay, but don’t go into the field over there.’
The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?' The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores. Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the agent running for his life and close behind is the rancher's bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agent. The agent is clearly terrified. The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs….. 'Your badge! Show him your badge!'
The FBI had an open position for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her" The man said, "You cant be serious. I could never shoot my wife. The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes," I tried, but I cant kill my wife." The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife home. Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks he said. I had to strangle that bitch to death."
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar.
They talk, they really hit it off, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment. He notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. He turns to her… they kiss… and then they rip each others clothes off and make love. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?" The woman says, "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."
Being an Amputee is a blessing and a curse…
On one hand, I have fingers. On the other hand, I donât.
Slightly NSFW joke
Conversation between maid and owner:. (owner is a female) Maid: I need a raise Owner: you already have got a raise Maid: that was 18 months ago Owner: why do you then deserve.this raise? Maid: I am better than you in many things Owner: ok tell me Maid: I am better at ironing clothes than you Owner: who told you Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: I also am better at cooking than you Owner: now who told you that? Maid: your husband Owner: okay Maid: and I also am better than you in bed Owner: did my husband tell you that too? Maid: no the Gardner did. Owner: …………….. Owner: ok how much raise do you want?
Do locomotive engineers ever actually do their job?
Or are they always just training?
National Dad Conference
Speaker: âI'm glad you could all make itâ Whole crowd: in unison âHi glad you could all make it, We're dadâ Speaker: Puts up a pic of ID on big screen showing legal name is "glad you could all make it" entire conference loses their shit
You say the punchline first
How do you ruin a joke?
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
A man Has died, WE NEED to Pump MORE FACEBOOK into him. I don’t understand this.
https://ift.tt/35u2JYe
My son came up to me today
My son came up to me and said, âcan I have a bookmark?â I started crying, 10 years and he still doesnât know my name is brad.
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
My Friend Told Me He Identifies As A Broadcasting Radio Station
I told him âYou canât be Siriusâ
My wife apologised for the first time today.
She said she was sorry she ever married me.
My dadâs answer to everything was alcohol.
He wasnât a drunk, just awful with crosswords.
Jesus is watching you
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, "Jesus knows you're here." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yes", the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you." The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?" "Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?" "The same kind of people who would name a Pit Bull Jesus."
Iâve tried to use the word âmuchoâ when speaking with my Hispanic friends.
It really means a lot to them.
If you’re ever skydiving and your parachute fails to open, don’t panic.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it.
When life becomes overwhelming, I like to read Immanuel Kant and listen to George Handel.
I it helps when I Kant Handel.
The invention of the shovel wasn’t good
it was groundbreaking
Just as I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak
28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
What can’t cows stand on their hind legs?
Because they lactose
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, âWhat would you like to see?â
I said, âYou pick.â She said, âYou pick.â I said, âI donât care. You pick.â She said, âSir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.â
Alligators can grow up to 15 feet…
But most only grow four.
Man gets on a bus and sits next to a mother with child…
The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here…" She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soon, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" She continues to try to get her babe to start feeding and finally in a stern tone tells the babe, "This is the last warning, you need to stop being fussy, or I'll give your milk to this man sitting here…" The man finally gets exasperated and says, "Lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off the bus three stops back!"
I love dry erase boards.
They're remarkable.
One day, Albert Einstein was on his way to a science convention for a speech.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him: "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!" The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place." "That's a great idea!" says Einstein. "Let's switch places then!" So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it. But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won't be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question. The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response. The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says : "Sir, your question is so easy that I'm going to let my driver explain it to you."
Did you hear that Michael Jacksonâs had a sex change?
He identifies as he/he.
Why do space rocks taste better than earth rocks?
Theyâre a little meteor.
Whatâs similar between a hurricane and a women?
They come in hot and wet and leave with THE LAWN CHAIRS WE BOUGHT TOGETHER SARAH YOU BITCH
A cop pulls over a car with two priests. The cop makes his way up to the window and says, âWeâre looking for two child molesters.â
The priests look at each other for a moment and turn back to the cop. âWeâll do it.â
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.