literally why am i laughing so hard 😂😂
Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish…
The results speak for themselves…
Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly. After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes. The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it: "Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please." His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep. After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went. The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn. The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared. The receptionist responds: "Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
Did you know vampires aren’t real?
Unless you Count Dracula.
I walked into a homeware store.
Came out with a jacket made of bricks and some shoes made of marble.
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
I told my son I was named after Stephen Hawking
Son: “But dad, your name is John.” Me: “I know, but I was named AFTER Stephen Hawking.”
Waiter: Do you wanna box for your leftover food?
Dad: No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.
Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?
Because there was gold in them/their hills.
I’m selling a TV for $1, but it’s broken and it’s stuck on the highest volume.
That's a deal you can't turn down.
You know why aliens haven’t visited us yet?
They checked our reviews. One star.
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.”
Priest: “What have you done my child?” Girl: “I called a man a son of a bitch.” Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?” Girl: “Because he touched my hand.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call a man a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he touched my breast.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he touched her breast) Girl: “Yes father.” Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he took off my clothes, father.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: “Yes father. Priest: “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where.” Priest: “Like this?” (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: “YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!” Priest: (after a few minutes): “That’s no reason to call him a son of a bitch.” Girl: “But father he had AIDS!” Priest: “THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks “Ma’am, are you a lesbian?” The woman stares for a second, then says “Yes, I am. Why?” “There’s the problem.” the doctor said “Tell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.”
![[OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/hv07wsM-400x618.png)
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
I made a chicken salad today.
Stupid bird wasn’t even grateful.
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low lying depression, and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill, and the donkeys rarely got away.
In other words, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so they wouldn't by pass the ass hole.
I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop Nev er Gon na Giv ve You Up, Nev er Gon na Let You Dow, n pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
If you get into a pillow fight with death…
Be prepared for the reaper cushions.
Im from colombia and if i got a dollar everytime someone asked me if i sell cocaine.
I would not have to sell cocaine anymore.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
What sound does a bouncing plane make?
Boeing-Boeing-Boeing
Murphy’s Law states that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But do you know what Cole’s Law is?
It's a side dish made from thinly sliced cabbage.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
“I love you loads, honey pie.” My wife said earlier.
“And I love you tons.” I replied. “What, no nickname for me?” She asked, disappointed. Sometimes I swear the fat cow’s going deaf.
I lost my mood ring…
I'm not sure how I feel about that at the moment.
As soon as you find someone with 10,000 bees, marry them.
That’s how you know they’re a keeper.
An 8-year-old knocks on the door of a brothel…
The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”
