literally why am i laughing so hard 😂😂
Butterflies
"This is my butterfly collection! We have a wide range. This is Fred- off there in the corner. The monarch. Beautiful pattern. We got him from the Toledo Zoo. But careful you don't startle him- he isn't the socialist of butterflies."
What do you call an elephant who doesn’t matter?
An irrelephant
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
What happens when you give the sun a gun?
It becomes a shooting star.
What did Hitler say when he was blindfolded
I can Nazi
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
My wife says that she won’t let our newly born son have an insect surname.
But I'm quite Adam Ant about it.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water, or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
I was working out my calves at the gym today.
The instructor said, "How the hell did you bring the cows here?"
I taught a wolf how to meditate
Now it's aware wolf
Everyone keeps telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
Did you know that you’re not supposed to make sick bird puns?
Apparently it's ill eagle.
My wife caught me cross dressing and told me it was over.
So I packed all her clothes and left.
What do you call a chicken staring at some lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
I just took off my backpack after my very last college final.
Boy, was that a weight off my shoulders. Edit: I actually am finally about to graduate, so I’m happy even if you don’t like my joke!
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying, "Excuse me; I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight!" That’s when E-flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "You're looking sharp tonight! Come on in, this could be a major development!" Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit and everything else, and is au natural. Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional facility which leads to the moral of our story: Never let a pianist tell you puns because when it comes to e-flats that are really e-minors theyre nothing but treble. They’ll bring you down, you’ll always get the e-b-g-b’s, 9 times outta 10 they’ll play it by ear, & every time they do the joke will fall flat.
My dumbass son thinks there’s the letter F is in the word ‘way’
There’s no F in way.
What do young male Spanish cows call each other?
Moo-chachos.
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ means
But no one has given me a straight answer
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating an avocado
Me: who’s this guy? Grandpa: he’s my hip replacement
Have you ever tried blindfolded archery?
You don't know what you're missing!
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
How do you treat a wounded lemon?
With a sour patch. I'll see myself out now.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
hands down
What did the duck say when she bought a lipstick?
Put it on my bill!!