literally windscribe/yegor
Had an argument with my physiotherapist regarding my posture
But now I stand corrected
I went for a job interview the other day.
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
A Buddhist refused anaesthetic during a root canal procedure. His goal?
Transcend dental medication.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
What happens when you slip a chicken a dollar?
Chicken strips.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
What did the sun bring to eat at the beach?
A light snack
Two monks are setting up a sign in front of their monastery
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
What did one French man say to the other French guy.
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
Sorry, my 4y old brother wanted me to tell this joke here
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
Why are there no cats on Mars?
Curiosity
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
Two old jews are sitting in a park and reading newspaper
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
What do you call a handjob from Albert Einstein?
A stroke of genius.
I was just diagnosed with color blindness…
… it came completely out of the purple.
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Why are there no Walmarts in Afghanistan?
Because they're all Targets.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
They finally invented a golf ball that uses GPS signal to locate the hole, and then roll in.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
I went to the eye doctor.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Just used some stolen hair dye…
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
What did the President say when his prepared remarks got blown away by the wind?
Nothing, he was speechless.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
50 dollars is 50 dollars
Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two." James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."
