“b i O L o g Y”
A girls goes to the doctor
a girl goes to the doctor and says: "Doctor, I have a black dot next to the pussy and do not know what is" The doctor says: "Do you smoke?" "Yes, why do you ask?" "Quit smoking and returns next week" The following week the girl returns: "The point has become bigger!" The doctor, who does not know what to do, says: "Do you drink alcohol?" "Yes, sometimes" "Then stop drinking and come back next week" A week goes by and the girl returns: "doctor, is still there" The doctor is perplexed: "Are you married?' "Yes, why?" "Come back tomorrow with your husband to see if he knows anything" The next day he returns with the husband, who goes in a work suit and the doctor asks him: "What do you work for?" "I'm a carpenter" "Fuck, then take the pencil out your ear when you eat your wife's pussy"
Why am I like this..
What do you get when you eat 3.14 slices of cake?
Fat. You get fat. What? Like I would make a pie joke on my cake day?
People never believe me when I tell them that I got my incredibly detailed tattoo in Spain.
Nobody expects the spanish ink precision
Delusional Dorks acting like Tough Guy Patriots
From my Facebook profile from about 3 years ago
robin: oh no the batmobile isnt starting!
batman: check the battery robin: whats a tery?
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
“Dad can you take your prosthetic off the table?”
"No, I'm trying to get a leg up." (my actual amputee father)
What do you do when your mind isn’t exactly working like clockwork?
Change your gears.
Stop Doing Math
Priorities of life…
Time to migrate
A perfectionist walked into a bar.
Apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.
Kids are dirty
Don’t worry guys we’re safe here
Pandemic jokes are the funniest
Because everyone gets it
Call me water because online school got me bent
Light has energy but no mass
If your house doesn’t have house numbers on it,
you need to address that situation.
A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, “Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!”
He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequila. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go make things right with her." Laughing, the man exclaims, "Well that sounds like the stupidest test I've ever heard of!" He leaves to get drunk with his friends. Later that night, the man comes back to the bartender absolutely hammered drunk. "Ok bartender! Let's do this test!" He says. The bartender hands him a gallon of pepper tequila, and before he could warn him, the man starts chugging it. Teary eyed and near the point of fainting, the man finishes the gallon and slams it on the counter. Stunned, the bartender leads him out back to the alligator. A few minutes pass, and after some screaming and clatter, the man stumbles back in. His shirt is torn up and his body is bleeding profusely. He stares at the bartender and says, "Ok bartender, where's the girl with the sore tooth?"
I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.
Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
A woman was angry because…
Her husband was coming home late again, so she leave a note saying “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hides underneath the bed so she can watch his reaction. Soon the husband comes home. She hears him in the kitchen before the comes into the bedroom. She sees him walk up to the dress and pick up the note. He stops for a minute. Grabs a pen, writes something down on the note. He picks up the phone and calls someone saying “She’s finally gone. Yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you. Put on that sexy French nightie I like. I love you and I cannot wait to see you. We’ll do all the naughty things you like.” He hung up the phone, grabs his keys, and walks out the door. She hears the car drive off as she’s holding back tears and comes out from underneath the bed. She’s seething with rage and grabs the note to see what he wrote: “I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in 5 mins.”
I went into a restaurant the other day
I said to the waitress, "Can I see the menu please?" She said,"the men I please has nothing to do with you".
What does a frog do with a piece of paper?
Rip it! 6 year old son just came up with this. I'm sure he's not the first to think of it, but he came up with it on his own and i got a good chuckle out of it. 🙂
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm
He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens." Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it. Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape." Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks." Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."
Why the US has the most coronavirus cases.
90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.
Always Coming From Take Me Down
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss
What does smoking marijuana do?
What do we want?
Hearing aids! When do we want them! Hearing aids!
There are two types of people in this world
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
When backend developer does frontend
The mirror told the echo…
The mirror: you should see yourself right now The echo: meh, I've heard it all before.
Ahaaa…uh oh, not again
Angry man comes to local bar with gun yelling:
-Which one of you fucked my wife??!! Some guy in the crowd says: – you should bring more bullets
When I was in college, I used to live on a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Maybe we CAN’T all just get along.
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
It really do be like that doe
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon.
I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
What does DNA stand for?
National Dyslexic Association
Because the bathroom is too much of a hassle.
He’s just a covfefe parrot
Why can’t a pirate ever finish the alphabet ?
Because they are always stuck at C. 🐟🦑🐙
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
Careful what you wish for.
I shot my first turkey today…
Scared the heck out of everyone else in the frozen food section.
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
The person who owns [email protected]
two antennas met on a roof, feel in love and got married.
the wedding wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was excellent.
What do you call a female rapper?
if you CONCENTRATE, you’ll get this
Remember those guys?
TIL the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
What has 2 legs and bleeds constantly?
Half a dog.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Ed and Ted were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory..
when Ed glanced over and noticed that Ted’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew. “Blimey,” Ed said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.” “Like what?” Ted said. “All twisted like a pigs tail,” Ed said. “Well what’s yours like?” Ted said. “Well straight like normal,” Ed said. “I thought mine was normal `til I saw yours,” Ted said. Ed finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shake down prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Ted said. “Shaking off the excess drops,” Ed said. “Like normal.” “Shit,” Ted said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it!”
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
Jesus will save us from Covid-19 (idk, if it belongs here)