literally windscribe/yegor
When William joined the army,
He disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.
Does my Thai girlfriend have a penis?
Something inside me says yes
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ‘‘Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.’’ ‘‘Oh no!’’ President Trump exclaims. ‘‘That’s terrible!’’ His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ‘‘How many is a brazillion?’’
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
Which differential operator requires the strictest boundary conditions?
The Stern- Liouville operator
Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!, What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". "Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK? These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
What do you call a pile of kittens?
A meowntain.
Some bloke walked up to the counter and said..
“Burger and chips, please.” “Certainly, Sir,” I replied. “Are you eating in or taking out?” “Fuck off you cunt,” he snapped, before walking off with his food. I love working in the prison canteen.
Just heard that Harry is thinking of taking up painting full time after stepping down from the Royal family.
He'll be the artist formerly known as Prince.
A guy came up to me and said, “Man your clothes are so gay”
I said, “I know, they came out of the closet this morning”
I’m the content creator for the IG of the @. Please don’t hold that against me.
https://ift.tt/2DPJYmQ
My parents used to give me this gum as a kid, and I bought a new pack for nostalgia
https://ift.tt/3afdd0S
Did you hear about the guy who got caught pirating Captain Marvel?
He got charged with Brie Larceny
What do you call a rectangle that got into an accident?
… a wrecked angle.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond.
Much more sad than funny, if he could only go a few days with out alienating the base.
https://ift.tt/2TBinOr
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
An employee is absent.
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello." "Is your Daddy home?" he asked. "Yes," whispered the little voice. "May I talk with him?" The child whispered, "No." Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes." "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No." Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?" "Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" "Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A helicopter," answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter." Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle…"Me!"
My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.
Dad;*walking around with a shirt with corn on a cob printed on*
Me; "What are you wearing??" Dad; "its my crop top"
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
Getting ladies to stop eating Tide pods was relatively easy.
But for whatever reason, it was much more difficult to deter gents.
Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver
Can't believe I've spent all that money and I have nothing to chauffeur it…
I’m in a time traveling rock band
It's called AD/BC
I just need dad joke enthusiasts to know that the International Poultry Meat Congress is held in Turkey this year.
http://www.poultrymeatcongress.com
What does a pregnant teenage girl and her baby have in common?
They're both thinking "Oh shit, my mom is gonna kill me."
It’s understandable. He’s not used to not getting his own way all of the time.
https://ift.tt/3c8cfUm
Why can’t you use a wooden spoon in a Teflon pan?
Because its non stick. Source: my actual Dad.
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”..
..is a shitty way to tell a kid they're adopted
Tickets to what concert cost 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
If Harry decided to take up painting now he’s stepped back from the royal family…
…he would be the artist formerly known as Prince.
My friend just called me the worst best man ever…
I was speechless…
