But now I stand corrected
They asked, "Can you perform under pressure?" I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody."
Transcend dental medication.
For meatier showers
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
A light snack
The sign reads ”Beware! The End is near! Turn around now before it is too late!" A car full of atheists drives by at full speed, and the atheists yell at the monks "Go fuck yourselves you lame ass religious nuts!" Suddenly there's a sound of screeching tires, terrified screams and a splash! The first monk looks at the second monk and says "Brother, do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out'?”
I don’t know. I don’t speak French.
Him: Knock, knock Me: Who's there? Him: Idiot Me: Idiot who? Him: IDIOT YOU!! He probably doesn't understand downvotes so I will have no Karma left after this EDIT: Wow! So many people upvoted this and I even got Silver! I'll tell my brother the Internet loved his joke! EDIT: Thanks for the Gold, kind stranger
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
One of them notices that the other's paper is from a really antisemite organization and basically a pure antisemitic propaganda "What the hell are you reading? Why don't you read our jewish papers?" "You see Chaim" the other man says calmly "When I read our newspapers all I see are pogroms, antisemitic hate crimes and it's just depressing and scary, here on the other hand" he says while showing his friend the frontpage " I'm apparently a masterminded banker, have millions in secret accounts and even rule the whole world!"
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
I have no words to describe how angry I am…
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever she’s driving
A stroke of genius.
… it came completely out of the purple.
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne"
Because they're all Targets.
A gummy bear
Just dont put it your back pocket.
Eye doctor: Your results aren't good. Me: Can I see them? Eye doctor: Probably not.
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
Nothing, he was speechless.
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two." James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."