literally windscribe/yegor

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And then Samsung.

It is a very rare dish order.

I have no words to describe how angry I am…

Guess who came crawling back to me.

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”

Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.

Having to clean the monitor.

Just a lot of blood

…as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me". "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ​ "1" ​ "2" ​ "3" ​ "4" ​ "5" ​ At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door: Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. There are 10 commandments, not 12. There are 12 disciples, not 10. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T! When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me." The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry". The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God" Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's. Don't refer to Jesus and the 12 disciples J.C. and the boys.

No pun in ten did.

“You can hardly blame me,” I answered. “It’s not like I was getting any from you.” “Well that’s your fault,” she replied. “You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”

Toward the Finnish line

The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably ​ …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL

Because he was in the middle of 9 11

The Spaghetto.

Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

Leviticus 20:13 "If a man lies with another man he should be stoned."

Its days are numbered.

C, eh? N, eh? D, eh?

"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"

He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.

He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”

Man being a teacher is hard

She seemed surprised.

That's not my first choice of a nickname, but I'm okay with it.

There would be a mass confusion

But I just can't see myself cleaning it

None of those roads led to Rome. They led me to Arkansas. One of the roads left to the edge of a cliff. Unfortunately, I stopped driving.

I got 48,500 matches.

Unfortunately, she blew it!

“How are you mate?” “Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my slippers from upstairs. My feet are freezing.” I went upstairs and found his two gorgeous 21 year old twin daughters lying naked on the bed. I said “Your dad’s sent me up here to have sex with both of you. They respond “Get away with ya… Prove it.” I shouted downstairs “Hey, mate! Both of them?” He shouted back “Of course both of them! What’s the point in fucking one?” EDIT: Gold already?! Thank you so much guys!!

But no. I was charged $30 a pop.

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed. The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep. This sheep is about to shoot up heroin. The rabbit says to the sheep, "Mr sheep, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The sheep looks at the heroin, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the heroin. The sheep tossed his needle aside and they go running through the forest together. Run, run, run. Hop, hop, hopping along. Soon they come to a clearing, and in this clearing is a tiger. Now, this tiger is about to drink a can of beer. The rabbit looks at the tiger and says, "Mr tiger, don't drink beer. Alcohol is a drug and drugs are bad for you. Come running with us through the forest." The tiger looks at his beer, looks at the rabbit, and back his beer. He takes a claw and cracks open the beer and proceeds to carefully place it down beside him. He gets up and walks over to the rabbit, lifts up a paw, and starts mauling the shit out of this rabbit! The giraffe and sheep are in shock. And they say, "Dude, what the fuck? He was just trying to help you!" The tiger turns to them and say, "Every time that fucking rabbit does cocaine, I end up running through the fucking forest!"

A tambarine! Thank you! Thank you very much!