Why did the doctor pull a rectal thermometer out of their pocket?
Some asshole has their pen.
As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt…
1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it. 2.) They LOVE chocolate.
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
What number is a sport?
Ten is
I hate people who take drugs.
Like cops, DEA agents…
My son told me, “The car manual says that I shouldn’t turn up the stereo to full volume.”
I said, “That’s sound advice.”
Nurse: I’m going to deliver the baby
Me: Actually, we'd like him to keep his liver
What’s the difference between swine flu and bird flu?
Swine Flu requires oinkment and Bird Flu requires Tweetment
From a physicist: ICP is actually right about magnets
/r/juggalo/comments/g1e3nx/from_a_physicist_icp_is_actually_right_about/
What does tofu and a dildo have in common?
They’re both meat substitutes.
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
My blind friend made me a nice greeting card in Braille.
It was touching.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
I believe if we had a race around the world, it should end in Europe…
Toward the Finnish line
You know, my hen counts her own eggs…
She’s a mathemachicken
My grandpa used to tell this one all the time….How do you make Holy Water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I’m pleased with my new fridge magnet
So far I've got 12 fridges
[Warning]: 18+
19.
Eminem walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me two shots of…”
The bartender cuts him off saying,”You only get one shot.”
I diagnosed a man with wrinkled clothing today
He had an iron deficiency
Why are there fences around graveyards?
Cause people are dying to get in
I was talking to a scammer the other day.
Me: “Hello.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.” Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?” NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.” Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?” NOT-Microsoft support: “It’s OK sir. We can help you right now. Are you in front of your device sir?” Me: “Yes. I was just about to use it. I’m glad you called.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, we are going to help you. Can you please push the Start button?” Me: “I think it's already on.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Okay, sir. Now you want to click on Control Panel.” Me: “I don’t see that.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Do you see a bunch of information above the Start button?” Me: “Yes.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That is your Control Panel.” Me: “Wow, I didn’t realize it had a name.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Yes sir, now press on Internet Options.” Me: “Yeah, I definitely don’t see any Internet options. I don’t think I purchased that feature. This is just a cheap one.” NOT-Microsoft support: “They all have the Internet sir. Press the Start button again.” Me: “OK, it’s the same as before.” NOT-Microsoft support: “That’s OK sir. We are going to restart your device. Can you please turn it off?” Me: “Ummm…I don’t know how. I’ve never turned it off. Since I bought it, it just kind of stays on all the time.” NOT-Microsoft support: “There must be an off button on your device. How do you stop it when it’s running?” Me: “In those cases, I usually press the big button.” NOT-Microsoft support: “OK sir. Please press that button.” Me: “Ok.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Is your device off?” Me: “No. The door popped open.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Door? Is there a disc inside the door?” Me: “No, there’s a burrito.” NOT-Microsoft support: “Why is there a burrito in your computer?” Me: “Computer? I thought you said this was microwave support.”
What do you call new innovations in knife technology?
Cutting edge tech
Genders are just like the twin towers…
There used to be two, but now its a sensitive subject.
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
I am starting a charity to teach short people maths.
It's called making the little things count.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?”
The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?"
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman for halloween, told me that I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence.
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
Pirate :”I have moles on me back, arrrrrgh!”
The doctor takes a quick look and responds:"It's okay, they're benign." Pirate:"Arrrrgh! Count again, I think there be ten!"
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
How do you make the number one disappear?
You just add a G, and it’s gone.
Four men went golfing together one day…
Three headed to the first tee and one went into the club house to take care of the bill. The three men started talking, bragging about their sons. The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder and he's so successful that he gave a friend a new home – for free." The second man said, "My son was a car salesman and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend two Cadillac's." The third man, not wanting to be outdone bragged, "My son is a stock broker and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio." The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?" The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay. He is also amazing. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, two cars, and a stock portfolio."
My buddy said ‘There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.’
I asked, 'Which is?' 'Exactly', he replied.