Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."
Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Why do meremaids wear seashell bras?
Because B shells are too small and D shells are too big.
I poured my root beer into a square glass
..it became beer.
Why do dentists have so many trophies?
Because they got rid of the plaques. (This one popped into my head getting into the shower. Crap, it’s early.)
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex with my wife." He said "I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife." and I said "Neither did I till you shined a light on her."
What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support, people are going to think we're nuts!
My wife called me on the phone, breathless, and said, “Where are you?” I said, “I’m at the pub.”
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
My sword doesn’t weigh much
It’s my light saber
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
A Redditor walks into Reddit Restaurant…
All of our servers are busy right now. Please try again in a minute.
Sen. Mitch McConnell Responds to Calls to Recuse Himself from Impeachment Hearings
https://ift.tt/36y8XHm
My son is a man trapped in a woman’s body.
He’ll be born in February.
Why did the rapper go to the grocery store?
To get some fresh beets
I got a bar installed into my roof
Just so whenever I have guests I can say “drinks are on the house.”
A Chinese child was born before his due date…
His parents named him "Sudden Lee"
Whats red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
How does Wesley serve your steak dip sandwich?
Au jus wish.
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
I bought a guitar the other day but it doesnt work.
Guess I should've known when the seller said no strings attached.
My son just told me his first dad joke. He’s 8, so go easy.
Son: what did the fig say to the table? Me: I don't know, what did the fig say to the table? Son, angry voice: Hey! I'm asking the questions here. You FIG-ure it out.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you.
My grandpa tried to warn everyone The Titanic was gonna sink.
When everyone just ignored him, he yelled at them three more times, eventually they got irritated and kicked him out of the theater.
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living…
There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living. He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident. He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution. When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal. After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened. The man was perfectly fine. Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free. And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train. Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon. Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people. The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution. For his final meal, the man requested two bananas. After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair. The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed. Well, this of course meant that he was free to go. And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back. To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people. And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death. On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas. "You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now." Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal. The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed. The executioner was speechless. The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."
A woman is amazed by pastor who lives next door and how quickly he changes his personality.
Around the neighborhood, he is incredibly shy, quiet, and timid. As soon as he begins to preach, he becomes loud, boisterous, and is able to entertain the congregation with his sermons. “I’m not sure how you go from one personality to the next,” the woman tells the pastor over coffee. “Oh, it’s simple,” the pastor explains. “That guy in church is my altar ego.”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
Some people see ADD as a problem
I prefer to see it as a plus
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
You can’t plant flowers…
…if you haven’t botany
I’m on my way
My wife is 37 weeks pregnant and is scheduled to be induced this morning. She woke up last night just after midnight (I checked) to use the washroom and when she got back into bed I asked her if it was after 12 yet. She said she thought so and asked why. I told her I wanted to be the first to wish her a Happy Birth Day! She appropriately groaned then giggled, so I think I'm ready. Wish me luck!