Little Johnny
One day in a school room:
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see The Grand Canyon and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher, being a little hesitant on account of she had been burned by Little Johnny before, finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”
The teacher sat down and cried.
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
Dear posters of r/Jokes, could you try to be a bit more original?
My friends are really tired of hearing the same jokes over and over again.
Scientists have recently discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.
They say it's a blast from the past.
Why didn’t the redneck leave the yoga class when it was over?
On his way out he said "see you next week". The instructor responded "namaste" , and the redneck said "Oh. Then I'm-a-stayin too".
I got my best friend a fridge for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
You know what I find odd?
Numbers that are not divisible by 2.
psychologist girl and law boy
> A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?” > The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" > All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed. > After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?” > The guy then responded with a loud voice: “$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH!” > All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
They say “You are what you eat”, and they are right.
A few minutes ago, I ordered some “Ready to eat” chicken, and now I’m ready to eat chicken.
What’s the quickest way to prevent a man from drowning?
Shoot him in the face
I was attending a noisy legal hearing, and the Judge started yelling, “Order! Order in the courtroom!”
So I said, “A pastrami on rye, please.”
Donald Trump – “I’m not orange!”
“Impeach.”
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
I don’t get why Marvel didn’t put advertisements on the Hulk
He's essentially a giant banner
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One’s really heavy and one’s a little lighter.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site.
The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." And to the Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" He replies "I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile." He replied, "Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel' a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin' him onywhar." The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells… "SUPPLIES!"
A robber pulled a gun on the bank clerk and manager saying, “Give me all the money! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession. You know, initial investment is needed to cover the overheads until my cash flow is established.”
The bank manager said to the clerk, “You’d better do what he says, I think he means business.”
I guess I can’t really be mad about seeing the same jokes made on this sub
With a whole profession built around copy and pasting stack overflow it only makes sense you guys would copy and paste the same jokes over and over again
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
My drug test came back negative.
My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is….”
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!” Then silence. A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap…you should see my pants!!” A voice from the back of the plane yelled, “Why don’t you come here and see ours?”
A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.”
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction. After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note. After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone. "She's finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I'm coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie. I love you…can't wait to see you…we'll do all the naughty things you like." He hung up, grabbed his keys and left. She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed. Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote… "I can see your feet. We're outta bread: be back in five minutes.
Why was the green melon happily married and the orange melon single for life
Green “hon I dew” Orange “Can’t-elope….”
Why did the beaver suddenly quit work?
Because he hated his dam job.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it does, no one is shocked.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
I asked Ryu if i could learn martial arts at his level yesterday
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
What do you call an atheist business?
A non-prophet organization.
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for christmas…
It's big red flag
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
I’ve just written a book on how to fall down a stair case.
It's a step-by-step guide.
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
