Little meme that I made.
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I'm shitting bricks to be honest.
How do you outrun a horse, tiger, lion, and elephant that are chasing you?
Get your drunk ass off of the merry-go-round.
I love the way the earth rotates
It really makes my day.
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2of0OUy
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
Where do crayons go for vacation?
Colorado. (My 8 year old just made it up)
How come Grizzlies never wear shoes?
Why do you think they're always Bearfoot 24/7?
Hypothermia is the coolest way to die
No text found
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
Pregnant wife: What should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: Herbert pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b- me: Himbert
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.
It's still syncing
How do you make a blonde girl laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday
American tells to his Russian colleague:
"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him" The Russian: "When Putin passes by, we all piss on him" The American: "I exaggerated a little – we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit". The Russian: "And I exaggerated too – when we piss, we don't take off our pants".
So, Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don't appreciate random people coming to their door.
My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Life before that was a blur.
A man dies and goes to Hell…
Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis. One day, the man comes up with his darkest, most ingenious torture ever. However, it requires removing all light from Hell. He goes over his idea with one of the demons. "I like it, I like it!" says the Demon. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." So they go to this giant gilded door, walk in, and see a large, horned devil standing inside. Intimidated, the man starts squirming and asks, "Who is that?" "That's Beelzebub, one of the seven princes of Hell." They explain their plan to Beelzebub. "I like it, I like it!" says Beelzebub. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, and Beelzebub all go to a magnificent castle. Inside, on a chair, is an enormous horned devil more fearsome than Beelzebub. Even Beelzebub looks intimidated. "Who is that?" whispers the man. "That's Satan himself!" replies the demon. They explain their plan to Satan. "I like it, I like it!" says Satan. "But I don't have the authority to make a change like that. We have to speak to someone far more evil than I am." The man, the demon, Beelzebub, and Satan all approach this magnificent stone spire, climb up it, blow a horn, and down comes a rather unassuming-looking office worker in a button-down shirt. Satan starts looking intimidated by his evilness. "Who's that?" whispers the hellbound man. "That's the guy who made Reddit's 'Promoted' ad content now appear three or five posts down the subs' feeds rather than in a banner at the top."
How many germans do you need to change a lightbulb?
One, we are very efficient and not funny
How are your grades son?
Son: They’re underwater Dad: How are they underwater Son: They’re below C level
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
Study tip: Don’t drink water while studying
Because water decreases concentration.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…
There would be mass confusion.
One time I bought shoes from a drug dealer..
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?” The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.” The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful,naked blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s Tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?” The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a naked brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is your last request?” The Lone Ranger responds,” I’d like to speak to my horse….ALONE.” The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says: “Listen very carefully, you fcuking dickhead, for the last time………. . BRING POSSE!!!!”
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.
So I packed up my stuff and right.
I lift weights only on Saturday and Sunday…
…because Monday to Friday are weak days…
My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she’d just ironed.
It may sound far-fetched but it’s true. I watched it all unfold.
My doctor advised me to eat cleaner.
So now I shower before every meal.
