Little meme that I made.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face
Because its the scenter
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.
She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good. Just made this up in the kitchen and got an eye roll from my wife, so I figured it was good to post, even if it is a bit cheesy.
What’s with these stingy ducks
They can’t get rid of their bills
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got a promotion?
Now he's a branch manager.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
The only thing flat-earthers have to fear…
Is sphere itself
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
Why was the basketball court wet?
Everyone was dribbling on it.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
I had a talk about porn with my girlfriend.
"I don't get porn, why would you watch 2 people have sex?" she asked, then I reply "Two?" she looks surprised and I add "People?"
What is the difference between a step stool and a 3D printer?
The former is a ladder, while the latter is a former.
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed. “No, I’m not,” I laughed. She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
There is a petition circulating on Twitter and Facebook calling on Canada to invade the US.
https://ift.tt/2UE9G6i
Guy walks into a bar…
"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake… He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?' The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things: The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. 'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy … do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?' The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No … not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times"…
Why doesn’t America use the metric system?
They have a foot fetish
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
I am your motherfu*ker.
I am your motherfu*ker.
Why was my post removed
Can someone from admin please explain to me why my post was removed? I'm really annoyed about this because now my fence has fallen over.
My grandpa’s last words before he died was “Pints! Gallons! Litres!”
That spoke volumes.
[Meta] Puns vs Jokes
Does anyone feel a little bothered by the blurring line between puns and jokes? I was driven away from r/jokes because it was essentially a subreddit of meta-reddit-puns, clever at first, but they quickly became predictable in the sense that the punchlines are essentially just play-on-words. Is the general consensus here that the current state of the subreddit is fine? Do we need improvements? What are your thoughts on this matter?
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
Halloween Party (NSFW)
A young lady was invited to a Halloween party, and upon arrival she notices a man wearing nothing but a glass jar on his penis… Intrigued, she approaches the man and asks what he's dressed as. "A fireman" he replies "Fireman? How so? You're only wearing a glass jar." She says "Exactly. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can"
I’d tell you a joke about a roof…
But it would be over your head.
Did my girlfriend find me sexually unsatisfying?
A small part of me says yes.
if u didnt spend 6 hours automating a task that takes you 30 seconds did you really do work
https://ift.tt/3duj3Nn
My wife said she wants to go out to eat after the quarantine is over
I am thinking no way is a month long enough for her to make up her mind where to eat.
I just found out I’m colorblind
That diagnosis really came out of the purple
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
What do I do when my ice house falls apart?
Igloo it back together again.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop…
to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’ The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’ The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’ ‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.. ‘ The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, ‘I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’ The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’ The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.