Little Michael watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful!” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked little Michael. "Giving up?"
If you *still* don’t see the con, you’re probably one of his 62,985,134 marks
https://ift.tt/2RWnJny
I just lost my mood ring
I can’t tell you how I feel about it
Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
Never marry a tennis player…
Love means nothing to them!
Maybe we can relate to the youth better by putting a cartoon about gadgets in a textbook!
https://ift.tt/2P1Qygl
Would you remarry if I die……
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question…. WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: — silence — HUSBAND: "Shit."
When I drink too much alcohol I’m called an alcoholic,
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
A jewish man goes into a public restroom
He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?" "Why yes, I am," he replied. "Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily. "A strange question… but yes.. I am circumcised…" "Did you grow up in New York?" The second man asked. "Well, yes! I did. How did you know?" "Did you study under Rabbi Korinski?" "I did! How do you know so much about me?" "He cuts at an angle and you're pissing on my shoe."
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
My mother once told me I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, “What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink.”
So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know…" he says to the gorilla."We don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
Why did Juan take Xanax
For hispanic attacks
An escort goes to the hospital
She is a few hours away from getting a heart transplant and quite nervous. She asks the surgeon, “Doctor, what if my body rejects it?” The surgeon replies, “Well, you’re in good health apart from your heart. What do you do for a living?” She shyly admits, “Um, actually I’ve been working as a prostitute since I was eighteen.” “I see… and how old are you now?” He Enquired. “Thirty four – but may I ask where this is going?” She replied anxiously. “Well,” said the surgeon after some thought, “if you haven’t rejected an organ for the last sixteen years, it’s unlikely that you’ll start now.”
Due to quarantine…
I’ll only be telling inside jokes.
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
Why did an old man fall into a well?
Because he couldn't see that well
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage,
when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin." The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age." The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods." "Tiger Woods, the golfer?" "Yeah." "Well, he is rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him." The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it a second time." The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are you doing?" she asks. The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat." "Tiger wouldn't do that." "Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?" "He would come back to bed and do it again." The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial. The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?" "No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole."
Did you know Darth Vader had to pay for his suit?
It cost him an arm and a leg.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan
While applying for Australian citizenship the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I replied, " No, is that still required?"
My workplace refuses to shut down during an international pandemic … my sister reacts.
https://ift.tt/3aU0ZLh
I gave up my last few hairs to wear a cheap wig.
It's a small-price toupee.
I got so drunk last night
I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest…
Me at the bookstore: Do you have any books on turtles?
Cashier: Hard back? Me: yea, with little heads.
My cocaine addiction is getting out of hand
It's time to draw the line.
6:30 is the best time on a clock
Hands down.
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but this is fucking ridiculous.
What would a boner at a funeral be called?
Mourning wood
A Jewish mother goes on a flight
The plane takes off. After a while she stands up and ask loudly: “is there a doctor in this plane?” A man comes quickly and say: “I’m a doctor, what happened?” The woman replies: “would you like to meet my daughter?”