live fast, die never!
Why do Vegans like to make their food look and taste like meat?
Same reason lesbians use strap-ons. They still like putting meat in their hole, but they don't like where real meat comes from.
My five year old: Dad, do trees poop?
Me: Of course. That’s how we get Number 2 pencils.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Some years after the flood, Noah wanted to sail again
Unfortunately, he didn't remember where he arked.
i lost my mood ring this morning
i don’t really know how to feel about that
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
No text found
Went to a stables looking for work and the stable master asked “Have you ever shoed a horse?”
"No, but I told a donkey to fuck off once."
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
A man stood in the plane and shouted “Hijack”…
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
Three guys stranded on a desert island…
They find a magic lamp. A genie pops out and says I'll grant each of you one wish. First guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Second guy: I wish I was off this island! POOF! The guy disappears. Third guy: It's kinda lonely… I wish those guys were back. POOF! The other two re-appear! Edit: Spelling
To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!
I got chased by a mugger the other day trying to steal my wallet.
Halfway through the terrifying ordeal, I couldn't help but think to myself, "He's giving me a good run for my money.
My grandfather’s favourite joke
First time posting here, my grandfather's funeral was yesterday, and in honor of him I thought I would share his favourite joke of all time. My grandfather worked in advertisement, and his favourite jokes had to do with bad advertising. His favourite? Women's dresses, half off. Rest in peace grampie. You'll never be forgotten.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Three Old men reminiscing in a nursing home…….
……..complaining about their biggest regrets on getting old. The first old man said "I'd give anything to take a good piss like I did when I was young. Every morning I get up it takes me 5 minutes to take a piss, and then it's only a small dribble." The second old man said "I'd give anything to take a good shit like I did when I was young. Every morning I sit on the stool and strain and strain until I can finally get something out." The third old man said "Well, every morning at 5 I take me a really long piss. Then at 6 on the dot I take a really big shit." The other two old men look at him and say "So what the hell are you complaining about?" The third old man says "I don't wake up until 7".
Donald Trump
[removed]
What’s the dumbest animal in the jungle?
The polar bear.
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
How much does a socially awkward penguin weigh?
Not enough to break the ice.
As I expected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said “Oh look. They have tongue depressers.” He says “Those won’t work on me.” I asked why and he says…
"I'm on antidepressants." He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
I took a bath with bubbles
No text found
What do you call it when you mix alcohol and American literature ?
Tequila Mockingbird