Live stream..
3 gay sailors
Sailor: Captain! Captain! Captain: Yes Sailor? Sailor: I think we have 3 gay sailors on board! Captain: How would you even know that? Sailor: Well I sucked Jimmy's dick and it tasted like shit.
I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them
I spent all night trying come up with a dad joke
When suddenly it dawned on me
What’s the difference between a Cat and a Comma?
One has claws at the end of the paws… The other is a pause at the end of a clause.
Robin: “Batman, this is Robin”
Robin: "I'm calling on the batphone, from the batcave. The batmobile won't start!" Batman: "Have you checked the battery?" Robin: "what's a tery?"
My daughter said she literally can’t even…
… so that’s odd.
None of you actually know what a propaganda is, do you?
It’s when a British person takes a good look at something
Does my thai girlfriend have a dick
Something inside me is telling me yes
The best thing about Japanese porn is they censor it,
so I can watch it with my family.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either…
What do you call a German virus?
A germ.
Man: I would like to return a defective boomerang.
Shop owner: Sure. Where is it? Man: I have no idea.
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
I tried to buy tornado insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tents get blown over, you won’t be covered.”
What does ED stand for?
Nothing, it stands for nothing.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
BREAKING: North Korean leader in a vegetative state following surgery.
They've begun calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
Just another overly dramatic post.
https://i.redd.it/vrrnd0bt6ca41.jpg
My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?”
What a strange way to start a conversation with me…
I’m gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I’m not in.
Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules
I love my girlfriend Arial.
I'm quite font of her.
Did you know that Diarrhea is genetic?
It runs in the jeans
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
A man goes to a doctor
A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks." "I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked. "That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee." The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 bucks, just lend me 10 bucks!!" "Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded. "Wait Doc, that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle," the man urged him. The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 bucks. Lend me 5 bucks please if you can." I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing about it in my books," he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. "I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I’d say your leg appears to be broke in three places."
Dad: I can’t believe you got me a house for my birthday!!
Son: I hope you enjoy it. Dad: From now on,…… I’ll start living in the present.
A job applicant was asked, “What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses?”
“Well,” he began, “my main weakness would definitely be my issues with reality—telling what’s real from what’s not.” “Okay,” said the interviewer. “And what about your strengths?” “I’m Batman.”
Little Tommy was born as just a head, no arms, no legs, no body.
One day he turns to his Mom and says, “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me a body for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, right below his neck, a torso. He rolls down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me a body!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost a year goes by and Christmas rattles around again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me arms for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, sure enough, Little Tommy has arms. He leaps onto his palms and down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me arms!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Almost another year passes and Christmas arrives again. “Mommy Mommy, if I’m a good boy all year and I eat all my vegetables will Santa bring me legs for Christmas?” “We’ll see!”, says Mom. The year goes by and Christmas arrives, Little Tommy wakes up bright and early to discover, a pair of fully functional legs with feet to boot. He sprints down the stairs yelling “Mommy Mommy, Santa brought me legs!!” “That’s amazing Darling!”, Mom replies. Little Tommy can’t believe his luck. “Mommy Mommy, I just have to go tell Little Billy I have legs!” Little Tommy throws open the front door, bounds outside and is immediately killed by a passing car. The moral of the story? Quit while you’re a head.
Shoutout to my grandparents
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
My wife was in labour and started shouting “Wouldn’t, couldn’t, shouldn’t, didn’t, can’t!”
"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"
What do call a man with no body and just a nose?
Nobody nose
My friend Jay recently had twins, and wanted to name them after him.
So I suggested Kay and Elle.
Why don’t hamburger buns ever get along?
There's always beef between them.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.