llamenting every public breath I take
What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you smell carrots?"
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?
At a second hand store.
Why do men give their jackets to women when they are cold?
No man wants a blowjob from a woman with shaky teeth
Nobody ever asks “How is Coke doing ?”
It's always "Is Pepsi ok ?"
Not only does my new girlfriend like to watch soccer, she also plays it.
I think she's a keeper.
Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car
a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens……. "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy," replies the soldier. "These are my khakis".
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
I Want A Divorce
A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents." The judge took a deep breath and asked, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No,we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can't seem to do anything about it." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee." The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?" "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!" Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce? "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."
I saw a midget get pickpocketed today.
I still can't believe someone could stoop so low.
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
My mum used to say that the best way to a mans heart was through his stomach
She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though
What do you call a fart joke that’s been pushed to far?
A shitty joke.
Depressing pickup lines.
Are you suicide? Because I think about you every day. Are you a toaster? Because I really want to take a bath with you. Are you a noose? Because I really want to hang with you. Are you a gravestone? Because I really wish you were on top of me. Are you anti-depressants? Because if I don’t have you every day I’m going to kill myself. Are you a coffin? Because I really wish I was inside you right now. Are you a coroner? Because I really want you to inspect my body. Are you a death certificate? Because I really wish you were mine. Are you an electrical outlet? Because I really want to stick my fingers in you. Are you traffic? Because running into you would really make my day. Are you a sinking ship? Because I’d really like to go down on you.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
I finally cut ties with someone who was dragging me down
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard
I told the doctor at the ER that I could do my own stitch work.
He replied “Okay, suture self”
Mother in law dies
A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150. “We’ll ship her home,” says the husband. The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”
A sheep, a drum and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum hiss
Today I learnt that humans eat more bananas than monkeys
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey
Yes, I have aids
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
Constantly raising prices without raising wages haha yay
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger
Then it hit me.
After 40 years as a gynecologist,
John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his teacher after class. “I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. How did I earn a score of 150%?” The teacher replied, “I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the exhaust pipe.”
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
I was doing a pretend job interview with my 6 year old daughter and I asked her, “where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
She said: “in a mirror” This really happened and I still laugh every time I think about it.
In America, dogs are K9.
In China, dogs are E10.
If babies are delivered by a stork,
Then fat babies must be delivered by a crane.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
My book on clocks just arrived.
It’s about time.
Can’t imagine someone not understanding what erectile dysfunction is
I mean, it's not very hard.
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
I like my women how I like my computer.
On my lap. Turned on. Virus free.
Yes.
Is time travel possible?