LMAO😅😂😂😩😅😅
What did the burglar say when he detonated a bomb to get into Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later, the other will see you in a while.
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
So my twin brother called me from prison
He said, "So you know how we finish each others' sentences?"
If Dodge made an electric car…
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
Why should you never fight a dinosaur
You will get jurasskicked
Why do the french only use one egg when baking a cake?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
You can’t trust constipated people
They're full of shit.
True Fact: Before the crowbar was invented
Most crows drank at home
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
“I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework.” Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, “Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?”
"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."
Two 95 year old men, Jack and Sam, are huge baseball fans.
One day, Jack falls seriously ill, and doesn’t have long to live. Sam visits him in the hospital to say goodbye. Sam asks him a favor before he passes. “Hey Jack, when you get to heaven, can you see if there is baseball there? If there is, tell me.” “I can certainly try, for my best friend.” Later that Wednesday night, Jack passed away. Thursday night, Sam is asleep in bed, when all of the sudden Jacks spirit appears in front of him. “AHHHH! Who are you?” “Calm down, calm down. It’s me Jack.” “Good hell, you scared me half to death.” “It’s ok, but I’ve come with good news and bad news.” “Well, what’s the good news then?” pondered Sam. “There is baseball in heaven.” “Thank goodness,” said Sam, feeling wonderful, “but what’s the bad news?” “You’re pitching Tuesday.”
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom, I have someone for you to meet!”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?" She replied "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning." He knew he was not going to get lucky that night. The following night was the same, she stood there wearing the black panties and he was in his birthday suit but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked, "What's with the black condom?" He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
I’m doing a one man show about puns at my local theater…..
……it's a play on words.
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader
What do you call a magic dog?
A Labracadabrador
CV for Family Tech Support
Experience for more than 12 family members over 20 years:Master in finding the cable that was not plugged.PhD in being the only one able to navigate menus using the arrow buttons of the remote. (That there exists no other solution doesn’t mean they won’t try.)Trustee of the recovery address of a legion of emails.Knows what a file is.Wizard-like competence to circumvent user experience failures. (“Yes, yes, you really need to slide your finger from the top of the screen to see a search bar!”)Ability to suffer through 10+ configuration steps over the phone. Including the endless repetition of “No, no, this won’t delete anything”, “You don’t need that”, and the crowd pleasing “No, you don’t want to read the privacy policy”.Uncanny power to spot what is actually a computer and needs to be rebooted, like TV sets and smart watches.Knows what a backup is.Privacy aware: can remove malware from your computer without snarky comments about the shady sites that you visit and more generally, can see things I shouldn’t while debugging your devices and keep it to myself.Understands that charging your computer with your phone charger doesn’t work.Doesn’t hate you, yet.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. "Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband. He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation. "Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise…" "Ah! So sorry everyone," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck."
My Brother’s wedding was very emotional…
Even the cake was in tiers.
if 666 is all evil
then 25.8069758 is the root of all evil
My wife is a body builder
She's pregnant
Why did the student not learn anything at Sandpaper Class?
The class had just scratched the surface!
Did you know trees can do math?
They're quite good at twigonometree.
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally. A kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
Hand Jobs $20 (NSFW)
A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads Grilled Cheese – $3 Ham and Cheese $5 Roast Beef – $6 Hand jobs -$20 A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?" "Are you the one that gives the handjobs?" He asks. "Yes I am!." She replies with a wink. "Well wash your fucking hands, I'll have a Grilled Cheese sandwich."
My kids tell me that they want a cat for Chrismas this year.
We normally cook a turkey for Christmas, but if they want a cat, okay.
I saw someone rob the Apple store.
I was an iWitness.
“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’
She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'"
