Lmao 🤣🤣🤣
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
Courtesy of my four year old
Q: What do baby corns call their daddy? A: Popcorn Edit: Woah, platinum! Thanks to the kind stranger! Gonna buy my kid an ice cream now, lmao!
Jesus at Last Supper
*break bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *open jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there
Lesbian bed
Just bought a new ‘Lesbian Bed’ from Ikea. Instructions say no nuts or screwing involved. It’s all tongue and groove.
I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.
What does an air conditioner have in common with a computer?
They both lose efficiency as soon as you open windows.
To the two criminals that stole my calendar:
I hope you both get six months.
Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?
Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the rushing water tumbling over the stones, and how the stones rest undisturbed despite the water? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. Grasshopper, have you seen the majesty of the full moon in the deep silence of the night? –Yes, Master Po, I have seen this. …Grasshopper? –Yes, Master Po. You should spend more time training and less time watching stupid shit!
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but the light bulb really has to WANT to change 😏😏
Another ‘What am I?’
You can look me in the eyes, You will always see twelve. It'll drive you insane because back to front and upside down I look the same!
My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
Christmas is a lot like sex
I always get really excited but after it's over I regret spending all that money.
My wife and i decided we don’t want to have children!
We will be telling them tonight.
The Bard’s barber often asked him if he preferred a clipper cut.
And every time, William spake "shears."
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
Does anyone know Bruce Lee’s dad’s name?
It's always been a Mr. Lee to me.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods
But it’s harder to deter gents
I started a dating site for older people.
OK Boomer Edit: well holy fuck 7 upvotes and I got my first gold. Not sure what I’ll do with it. But thank you kind stranger.
What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
Dr. Dre.
Someone threw a giant bottle of omega-3 pills at me
I'm fine – i only suffered super fish oil injuries
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
Son/Daughter: Hey I got a haircut! What do you think?
Dad: Looks like you got them all cut.
I did Nazi that coming
Nazi Officer: "Sir, we are mining too many useless ores" Hitler rubs chin: "So mine less" Grammar Nazi busts in: "MINE FEWER" Hitler looks up: "Yes?"
My friend went to prison for something he didn’t do.
He didn't wipe the fingerprints off the gun.
Despite Brexit, English is set to become the EU official language…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union, given its majority status in the EU, despite the UK leaving. As part of the final Brexit negotiations, Germany proposed a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English". Germany argued that this may make the EU more inviting to the UK in the future. In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
“Why are you telling me this story about a male hen?” I asked the bartender, confused.
He just looked at me and replied, "You asked for a cock tale, sir."
I crack myself up sometimes. I went grocery shopping earlier today and when I got home the wife asked “where are the mushrooms?” … without missing a beat, I said
“I couldn’t get them, there wasn’t ‘mush room’ in the trolley. “ She threw things at me
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
So many people complain about how much money it is to fill up their car with gas.
I save money by filling up just the tank.
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
(NSFW) A blonde, a redhead and a brunette sitting in the waiting room of an OB/Gyn office. All three are about six months pregnant.
The brunette starts a conversation with the other two women by saying, “I read an article that says you can determine what gender your baby will be if you know what position you were in during sex that was at the time of conception. I know I was on top when my husband and I were having sex and I got pregnant, so the article said I should have a girl.” The redhead says, “well I was on bottom when my husband and I had sex so I must be having a boy” The blonde starts wailing and crying “oh god! I’m going to have puppies!!”
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
I played “My Heart Will Go On” on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.