Lmao 🤣🤣🤣
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
I tried to introduce some new KPIs for my department at work today and everyone was really upset.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
I showed up late to the Kleptomaniacs Anonymous meeting.
Needless to say, all the seats were already taken.
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
Today, I saw a squirrel poop for the first time in my life.
That shit was nuts!
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
PETA is like a box of chocolates
They kill dogs
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night
When behind him he hears: BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Walking faster, he looks back and makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him. BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… Terrified, the man begins running home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER FASTER BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, and slams it shut and locks it behind him. However, the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clacking Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… Clapity-BUMP… on his heels, the terrified man runs. Rushing upstairs in the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him A man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the bottle of cough syrup at the casket and… The coffin stops.
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks
What’s the difference between 4-layer toilet paper and a liberal arts major?
You don't find 4-layer toilet paper at McDonalds!
I just went to an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tiers.
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
My brother just updated his status to “I love my girlfriend <3".
I always knew he liked them young, but that is fucking ridiculous.
Did I ever tell you about the girl that only ate plants?
I can't believe I never mentioned herbivore.
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Roses are red, Cellos are brown
Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down 😉
![[Legit] Facebook friend is single, ladies](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/ccgn3unc5ao11-400x205.jpg)
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.
He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows: Hamburger – 2.99 Cheeseburger – 3.99 Chicken Sandwich – 4.99 Hand Jobs – 19.99 The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" The bartender blushes slightly and says "Yes, I am" with a sexy little smile. The biker grins and says "Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger
There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..
Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take. "Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic." "Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do." "Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said. "Yes, yes I do have a lawn!" "Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house." "Yes, yes I do have a house!" "And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family." "Yes, yes I do have a family!" "And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual." "Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed. "Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob. "Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob. "Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?" "Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?" "No." "Then you're gay."
What do baristas in space get paid with?
Starbucks
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, “Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I’ve never seen his kind before”. So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm… That was some good lion meat!" The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away. Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return. So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened. The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together". So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more. But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago…"
After being single for years, I finally found the perfect match online.
It produces a greenish flame and it looks really cool while I'm lighting up my cigarette.
What does a fish wear when he wants to blend in?
A gillie suit.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?
In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.
Teacher,” Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: I is the…. Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an 'I'. Always put 'am' after an 'I'. Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Gary Larson remains the most influential boomer humor contributor of all time
https://ift.tt/2GaJo4b
