LMAO 😂
To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket…
You can hide but you can't run!
What do you call a blind dinosaur?
A do-you-think-he-saurus
When you realize Trump got himself impeached by digging up dirt on the wrong guy.
https://ift.tt/2GhxbL1
What did the Dalai Lama say to the Hot Dog Vendor?
… Make me one with everything.
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Damn babe are you a Minneapolis police officer?
'Cos you're breathtaking..
My Girlfriend said last night, “You treat our relationship like some kind of game!”.
Which unfortunately cost her 12 points and a bonus chance.
How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?
It’s not hard
Things I do to piss off my wife
Sext her out of nowhere and then text back right away “sorry wrong person”
I was gonna give archery a shot
But there’s too many drawbacks
Driver: Officer, are you actually crying while writing my ticket?
Cop: It was a moving violation.
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
A manager announces to his staff, “I’ve lost a wallet with 500 dollars, if you find it, I’m offering a 100 dollars finder’s fee!”
A voice in the background says, “I’m offering 200!”
I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat
And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.
Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
My wife asked me “what starts with f and ends with k”
I said "No, it doesn't".
After a couple of weeks of trying, my wife just told me that she was pregnant!
She has the worst stutter ever.
A good mom let’s you lick the batter off the mixer.
A great mom turns off the mixer first.
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
Why can’t you email a photo to a jedi?
Because attachments are forbidden
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
Went to see The Joker last night and some guy dressed in a full clown outfit held the door open for me into the theater
I thought it was a nice jester
I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship. The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”
The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.