LMAO đ
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
I’m developing a new fragrance for introverts:
Leave me the fuck cologne.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day.
I was at the deli counter behind another dad and his son the other day. He has his hands full – the kid was screaming for candy, cookies… all sorts of things. The dad kept saying in a controlled voice: âEasy, William, this wonât take long. Just chill out.â He had another outburst in the cereal aisle and his dad just said "Settle down, William. Just a couple more minutes and weâll be out of here. Hang in there, buddy.â At the checkout, I see him in the next lane over and the kid is throwing items out of the cart. His Dad says again, super-calmly, âWilliam⌠William, relax! Donât get upset. Weâll be home in ten minutes. Just stay cool, William.â It was impressive. So, as we're both walking out of the store I turned to him and said âI'm sure itâs none of my business, but you were amazing back there. I donât know how you kept your composure. I might have snapped if my son was in that kind of mood. William is very lucky to have you as his dad!â And he said âThanks! But actually, I'm William. This little shit's name is Collin.â
What’s the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
This girl keeps coming into my pub holding up protest posters.
I think I'm going to banner.
Even though 3D games are common, sometimes I like to play 2D games still. But never 1D games.
That's where I draw the line.
I watched my first porn movie today…
…jeeze I was young back then.
I was telling my wife how sometimes I feel really high and sometimes I feel really low.
"Dear, get off the swing" she said.
It’s only quarantine if it comes from the quarantine region of France;
otherwise, it's just sparkling isolation
When Mozart was alive, he was composing. Now that he’s dead,
He's decomposing
What do you call a yeti with a sixpack?
The abdominable snowman
When youâre in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then youâll get a, âSuper Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
It Do Be Like That For Characters Like Master Chief And Countless Superheroes
My son said “Look! I’m a 3D printer!”
I told him to shut the toilet door when he poops.
3 Condoms – NSFW
Guy goes to the pharmacy to buy a condom. His girlfriend told him she would not have sex with him unless he first met her family and has dinner with them. Pharmacist at counter: " just one condom? You sure?" Guy: "actually, my girlfriend's sister is pretty hot…lets make it two condoms." Pharmacist: "just two then? That's it?" Guy: "let's make it three. The mom is really hot too." That night he goes to dinner and her whole family is there. He sits at the table not saying a word, his face red as a tomato. His girlfriend takes him in the bedroom after they eat. Girlfriend: "what's wrong with you? You didn't say a word all night. Did something happen?" Guy: "no, I just didn't know your dad worked at the pharmacy."
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: Youâre fired.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
A dwarf walks into a bar, he’s very, very thirsty.
The dwarf approaches the counter. It's very high up, so he can't see the other side. He tries anyway and says: "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He tries to jump as high as he can, saying "Can I have a Coke please?" (no answer) He jumps up and down, saying every time he gets to the top, "Can I have a Coke please?" (still no answer) He's fed up, so he goes around the counter, and on the other side… …he sees another dwarf, jumping up and down saying, "Is Pepsi OK?" PS: Google tells me that "dwarf" and "little person" are equally non-offensive. Feel free to educate me if it's the wrong term.
Girl: come over
Guy: Iâm coming over Girl: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
My girlfriend gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine.
So I added some fruit and lemonade to it, and now she sangria than ever.
DAD: [grabs chest] Quick! Call me an ambulance.
ME: [hesitantly] You're… an ambulance? DAD: I'm- I'm so proud of you, son […dies]
It makes my heart race when my girlfriend rests her head on my leg during long road trips
So now she has to sit up straight and keep her eyes on the road whenever sheâs driving
Eat a garlic clove with every meal to stop the Coronavirus
It won't do anything to protect you from getting sick, but people will stay six feet away
I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.
You shouldnât put orange slices in your beer.
Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.