LmAo LiBeRaLs AmIrIgHt?
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Despite the massive age difference, my dad was surprisingly relieved to hear I was dating Dane Cook.
He said “at least he won’t try anything funny.”
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
You can never run through campgrounds
You can only ran, because it’s past tents
A man is staying at an old fashioned pub/inn
Downstairs in the tavern he is drinking before retiring to his room. The innkeep approaches him and proposes a challenge. He has a magical chicken that will grant him one wish if he can beat her in a trivia contest. The man is bemused but accepts the challenge, figuring there’s no harm in indulging him. The man brings out the hen from the back room. The innkeep explains that she only speaks Spanish, but he will translate. The man also speaks Spanish so they decide to have the contest in Spanish. They begin the trivia battle and the chicken wins decisively. The hen speaks perfectly Spanish and answers every question accurately. The man is blown away, a little disappointed not to get his wish but deciding that the novelty of a genius talking chicken was worth the time anyway. He tells in the innkeep about how he didn’t anticipate having such an interesting evening. The innkeeper laughs and says “No one expects the Spanish Inn quiz wish hen.”
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked, "Babes, Jabba the Hutt is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed, "Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
4 people on a raft each have a cigarette but no way to light them. One of them throws their cigarette over board..
And the raft becomes a cigarette lighter
Want to hear a clean joke
Window cleaner
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
If you hit Dwayne Johnson’s ass
Does it mean you hit rock bottom
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
I’m reading a book titled “The Stockholm Syndrome.”
I hated it at first, but now I love it.
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Why do white girls always travel in odd numbers?
Because they "Literally. Can't. Even."
Me: *wears camouflage*
Every Dad: Woah didn’t see ya there
I asked my Chinese friend what it’s like living in China
He says he can't complain.
Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?
Because they're not tenants
I was sexually active at 12
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me.
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering
The Soviet army is marching in Finland
They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers." The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."
Smoking will kill you. And Bacon will kill you. But…
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.