LmAo LiBeRaLs AmIrIgHt?
I wrote a song about a tortilla
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
What did the arm wrestler who won the tournament say to the other wrestlers ?
I had the upper hand
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
Are beavers the best builders in the animal kingdom?
Dam right they are.
What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?
They both have to pass the bar.
My cousins are like the letter K.
They are ok by themselves, but when three of them get together, they are just horribly racist.
Every psychic I visit is either really angry or really sad.
I’d like to find a happy medium.
I just found out that a distant relative of mine was a cannibal and ate 3 people.
That’s a lot to digest.
My wife wanted to get into “role play” to spice things up in the bedroom
I asked what she had in mind. "Let's play doctor", she said. I told her to go in the bedroom, shut the door, take off all of her clothes and wait on the bed for me. After a half an hour I walked in, told her to lose 20 lbs. and handed her a bill for $300.
One time I paid $20 to see Prince in concert
but I partied like it's $19.99.
Did you hear about the water bottle that got recycled?
He got plastic surgery.
A weasel walks in to a bar. The bartender says “What can I get you?”
“Pop” goes the weasel.
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
An Englishman, an American and a Scotsman wander in the desert
After a long while they encounter a huge wall. They try to go around it, over it, but the wall is too high and too long. Out of nowhere, a genie appears. The genie sais: "You must all tell a lie in order to break this wall. The greater the lie, the greater the damage. But beware, each one of you only has one try." The men sink into deep thinking state. After hours of thinking, the Englishman begins: "Us, the english gentlemen, never drink tea with milk." The wall cracks. The American adds: "Us, the american gentlemen never smoke stogies after a hard day of work." Again, the wall cracks. Now all left up to the Scotsman, he takes a deep breath and starts: "Us, the scottish gentlemen-" The wall shatters.
I hate the word “xenophobia”
it just sounds so…foreign
I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal.
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
The mob may be the mother of tyrants, but Judas also claimed to be a brother to Jesus.
https://ift.tt/3drAqOT
My 10yo boy seriously thought I’m an atheist.
Because I was born in the 80's and that makes me an eightieist. //I'm not making this up.
Im not a father but I make dad jokes.
I guess I'm a faux pas.
I just bought Spider Man pyjamas
I hope he likes them
How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?
Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.
Did u know you can tell an ants gender by putting it in water?
If it sinks, girl ant. If it floats……..boy ant.
Does anybody know if we can take showers yet?
Or should I just keep washing my hands?
Why is Pavlov’s hair so soft?
A lot of conditioning
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.