LMAO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOPS ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
Why donโt aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
Wish me Luke!
It's like luck, but with more force.
The cocaine that I bought is so white..
..That the cops just let it go with a warning.
I logged into Facebook the other day and got a message saying “We value your privacy.”
Well I know that. How else could you sell it?
What room of a house does a ghost not need?
The LIVING ROOM
Three warriors and a female troll enter the Colosseum.
The first, wielding a sword, attacked the massive lady-beast head on but was quickly dispatched. The 2nd, wielding a flail was picked up and thrown across the arena like a toy. The 3rd warrior knew he could not defeat the troll by conventional means and with that, he charged at the troll as fast as he could, slid between her thighs and aggressively performed oral sex on her. The crowd cheered as the trolls knees buckled and her body shivered. The other two warriors brushed themselves off and ran over to provide aid but found that the troll had been rendered defenseless. The first warrior watched the crowd and then began to shout: "We are warriors!" "We are heroes!" And as he looked upon the 3rd warrior wiping his chin with his sleeve, he smiled and shouted: "But above all! WE ARE GLADIATOR!"
A lady died and went to heaven, upon seeing God she says โthere is one this I always wanted to know. โ
โOk, ask awayโ God said. โDo vaccines cause autism?โ She asked. โthe truth is no, vaccines have nothing to do with autismโ God admitted. The women shakes her head and says โThey got to you too, this thing really goes high up.โ
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
:Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI. Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the registration in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his Captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the Captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Whose car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying son of a bitch told you I was speeding, too!
My grandad killed 50 German pilots in WW2
He wasn't a very skilled mechanic.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN
they become VERY ANGRY
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God Iโm the 1% that isnโt
My buddy called me and asked what I was doing…
I replied, "Probably failing my driving test."
I don’t get what Christians are trying to warn us about. Hell sounds like a great place
People are dying to get there.
What do you call a Snowman witha six-pack?
An Abdominal Snowman
All my friends claim that Iโm the cheapest person that they have ever met.
Iโm not buying it.
I told my girlfriend she was drawing her eyebrows too high
She looked surprised
My friendโs girlfriend is pregnant, and he is thinking of a name for the past few weeks.
Finally he decided on Carlos and ran away to Mexico.
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
A MAN went to the doctors suffering from a severe headache for years on end.
The doctor said, โJoe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is it will require castration. โYou have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.โ Joe was shocked but he knew he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, and he truly believed he could make a new life. He saw a menโs clothing store and thought, โThatโs what I need … a new suit.โ He entered the shop and said, โIโd like a new suit.โ The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, โLetโs see … size 44 long.โ Joe laughed, โThatโs right, how did you know?โ โBeen in the business 60 years!โ the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly. The salesman asked, โHow about a new shirt?โ Joe was on a roll. โSure.โ The salesman said, โLetโs see, 34 sleeves and 16 ยฝ neck.โ Joe said, โThatโs right, how did you know?โ โBeen in the business 60 years.โ Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, โHow about some new underwear?โ Joe thought for a moment and said, โSure.โ The salesman said, โLetโs see … size 36.โ Joe laughed, โAh ha! I got you, Iโve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.โ The salesman shook his head, โYou canโt wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache.โ
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, โDeath to America!โ
I think I might have terror wrists.
Whatโs with these stingy ducks
They canโt get rid of their bills