Time to create fake account 😈
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
that kid looks a lot older than thirty
This War on the Winter Solstice Transition is getting out of hand.
My deaf wife just told me that “we need to talk.”
That was not a good sign.
So I entered my snail in to a race, but I took his shell off to make him faster.
It ended up making him sluggish.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old woman came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Well yes, but actually no
I invented a new word
… breathe, then rest, then …
Dad sent this to me.
I’m terrified of 2022
Because 2022 is 2020 too
Life’s not fair sometimes
I believe that it is time for all the world’s countries to come together and create one universal currency
I mean it's just common cents
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
We all know the zip code to Beverly Hills is 90210 but what’s the zip code to Dawson’s Creek?
Spoiler 90108 for our lives to be over…
Now That’s What I Call Boomer.
Remember, you’re somebody’s reason to smile.
Because you're a fucking joke.
6ft from priests.
Landlords when they have to give back a deposit.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters.
Therapist: you are? Me: [Screams] Therapist: I see
Here’s a compilation of all the funniest clean jokes in existence
Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.
Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.
My dad (67) just sent this to me. It’s literally a dad joke. Some of us might not get it though I’m sure.
What does the Pink Panther say when he knocked over an ant hill? Dead ant… dead ant… dead ant dead ant dead ant… dead ant dead ant….
Is sex a joke?
If it is, I don't get it
Every day before class, I read my student a joke from r/jokes, but today I couldn’t make it.
So instead, a sub Reddit.
Ellory the Shark
Given the Cheeto Bandito’s track record with dictators, this should be a no brainer
When your mom puts you in timeout.
Who delivers Christmas gifts to lobsters?
YouTube Commenter Becomes Professional Counter-Strike Player
*object falls* energy:
bUT hOw ARe yoU GoING tO PaY FOr iT?!?!
My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle
I responded, “That’s not right.” With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle. “Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”
A priest is walking to his church when he passes a group of prostitutes.
One of them yells out “$20 for a blowjob, Father!” The priest puts his head down and speed walks the rest of the way. When he arrives at the church he nervously approaches one of the nuns and asks her “Sister, what’s a blowjob?” She tells him “$20, Same as downtown”
I write codes…!
Women hate sport & having fun
But, guess I’ll skip
The whole industry wouldn’t exist without it
I told my wife, “I’m going to arrange the herbs in alphabetical order from now on.”
She said, “Where would you find the time?” I said, “That should be easy. Next to the sage.”
Of course, look where the virus spreads first.
What did a Buddhist say to a hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Covid 19 Boomer Humor
Wife = bad
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
The company he keeps
I hate my frickin wife
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
Windows 10 is a good punishment dude…….
Healthy choices bad!
It hurts because it’s true.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass…… I lied about the wheels.
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A 5th grader from Alabama and a 5th grader from Boston got into a fight, who won?
5th grader from Alabama, because he's 18 yrs old
Show me the feet.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.
Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor and decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally. One of them suggested the nearby cemetery. As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up since they had enough in the bag. Few minutes later, a drunkard on his way from a bar, passed near the cemetery gate and heard a voice saying: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". He immediately sobered up and ran as fast as he could to a nearby church requesting for the priest. "Father, pls come with me. Come and witness God and Satan sharing corpses at the cemetery". They both ran back to the cemetery gate and the voice continued: "One For Me, One For You, One For Me, One For You…". Suddenly, the voice stopped counting and said: "What About The Two At The Gate? Let's get them". You should see the marathon. The priest almost ran past the church gate shouting: "Please no! We are not dead yet".
The recipe said, “Set the oven to 180 degrees.”
Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.
I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.
I'm not sure what scared him more. My naked body or the fact I knew where he lived
My boss is like school in summertime..
Not sure if this was posted before.
When unarmed citizens ask not to be murdered by the police
M. Sc. = Man of Science?
It happens every time