LMAOOO๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but Iโm sticking to my guns.
Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck!
I asked my math teacher why 6 was afraid of 7.
She replied, โApproximately 0.3583679495453โ. I stared at her, confused. Seeing my confusion, she added, โYou know, cos (789)โ
My brother didn’t like jail
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him and smeared the walls with his own faeces. After that, we never played Monopoly again.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
Social Distancing Pickup Lines
If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I? Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me? Can't spell virus without U and I. Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin. I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there. Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink? Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T. credit: some facebook post i saw.
โHey you see that ceiling, itโs not the best ceiling iโve ever seen but
itโs up there.โ
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
One night, beneath a full moon, I cut my hand on a rusty shed.
Now I'm a werehouse.
Daughter: โDad, Iโm cold.โ
Dad: โGo stand in a corner. Itโs 90 degrees.โ
Tried to grab the fog this morning
unfortunately, I mist.
Whatโs the best part about living in Switzerland?
Well the flag is a big plus!
Why are horses no fun?
Because they are neigh-sayers
I’ve always had an irrational fear of speed bumps.
But I'm slowly getting over it.
People are like trees…
They fall when you hit them multiple times with an axe.
A man went to the funeral of his dear friend and asked the wife of the deceased to ask if he could say a word, to which she said: Yes. He said “Plethora”
She said "thank you, that means a lot"
A new element was discovered!
Scientistsโ initial findings on the new substance had lead them to believe it was highly explosive, however they simply could not determine what forces were to trigger this reaction. They dropped it from the highest cliffs, and crushed it in the deepest oceans. They tried igniting in it the sunniest of locations, and in the darkest of crevasses. They subject it to the hottest temperatures they could muster, both natural and manmade. And yet, the material was unwavering, refusing to yield to any forceโฆuntil a scientist suggested the impossible. โWhat if it only explodes when itโs really cold?โ Out they set to test the theory. Sure enough, as the temperature grew ever colder, the element began to show signs of degradation. Excitedly, they began pushing the temperatures even further into the freezing zone. As the temperatures reached nearer and nearer to 0 Kelvin (absolute cold), the element continued to increasingly react. Finally, when the temperature reached approximately that of 0 K, there was a blinding flash as the element exploded before their eyes, leaving a gaping hole on the laboratory bench. As the applause from the team of scientists began to die down, relieved of finally solving the mystery, one of the senior scientists boldly asked, โso what do we name this newfound element?โ. Amongst the thought that ensued, one of the younger scientists was quick to make a suggestion… โ0 K Boomerโ
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
A man and a woman are standing in an elevator. The woman suddenly asks โIs having a penis nice?โ
The man laughed and said โEh, it has its ups and downs.โ
Due to the quarantine…
Iโll only be telling inside jokes.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
My wife has this unusual case of OCD where she arranges dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It is a very rare dish order.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
Itโs currently half empty…
What’s the difference between a piano, fish and glue
You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish
Why did the doctor get angry ?
Because he lost his patients .
I made these propaganda posters to help clear up some of the administration’s messaging
https://ift.tt/2YcFsu4
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
r/PoliticalHumor 2019 Best Of Awards!
It’s time for Reddit’s Best of 2019 Awards.What a year it’s been here in r/politicalhumor, thanks to everyone for participating.Make your nominations here and/or upvote your favorites.You are welcome to categorize your nominations, i.e:Best PostBest CommentBest of YearOnly one nomination per comment. Please do not nominate yourself. You may only nominate submissions made in 2019.This thread is set to contest mode which sorts comments randomly and hides vote scores. In January, the votes will be tallied and a results thread will be posted. We will give reddit gold to the top submissions!
A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.
"Fellas! My pussy is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her pussy. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises. "Is someone else in here?" he asks. "Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says. "Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says. "Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
A Marine, A Navy SEAL, and a Delta Force member are sitting around a fire….
The marine says, "I once killed 50 enemy combatants with a single belt of my M249." The Navy SEAL says, "I wiped out an entire enemy compound with my K-Bar." The two look at the Delta Force and expect him to pipe up, but he just stares at the fire, stirring the coals with his penis.