LMAOOOOO πππ WHAT IS THIIIS? π€π IS IT REWIND TIME???
A sudden blowjob woke up young Carl…
He never slept on the train with his mouth open again… -Martin Mladenov
I know of a bald guy that got a comb for his birthday.
He said he could never part with it.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
As a scarecrow they said I was outstanding in my field..
But hey, it's in my genes.
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
Wife asks her husband “Am I the only one you’ve ever been with?”
The husband replies reassuringly "yes you are honey" — to which his wife embraces him comfortably …the husband continues on to say "the rest have been 8's, 9's, and even some 10's!" Edit: why was this marked as wholesome LOL
The farmer and his wife needed a new bull…
There was a man who lived on a farm with his wife in the middle of nowhere. All they owned was a truck, a few cows, and an old bull. They didn't have much, but they were happy. One day, the farmer woke up and found that the bull had died. He went to his wife and said, "I take our money into the town and buy us a new bull. I know you need the truck here to keep the farm running, so when I get us a bull, I'll send you a telegraph so you know when to pick us up." His wife went and got the money and then said goodbye. The farmer arrived in town late that day and had to get a hotel room. The next morning he only had 401 dollars left. He went to the market and was able to buy a strong, young bull with the 400 dollars. It had been a long time since he had been to town, but as long as the telegraph prices hadn't gone up, he should be able to send a full sentence to his wife with his dollar. When he arrived at the post office, he said to the telegraph operator: "I need to send a message to my wife so she can pick up my bull and I. How much is a word?" "Prices went up a few years ago," replied the operator. "A word is 1 dollar." "Oh no," said the farmer "I can only send one word!" He thought for a little while and then said, "Ok, send my wife the word 'comfortable.'" "Comfortable? Are you sure?" asked the operator. "My wife has a 4th grade education," the farmer replied. "When she reads she has to sound each word out syllable by syllable. So when she sees the word comfortable, she'll read it as 'come-for-ta-bull.'"
Why did the bee get married?
Because he found his honey.
A young woman goes to her doctor… (NSFW)
A young woman goes to her doctor about two small rashes on her thighs. The doctor tests her for allergies, and then asks βMaβam, are you a lesbian?β The woman stares for a second, then says βYes, I am. Why?β βThereβs the problem.β the doctor said βTell your girlfriend to stop wearing cheap earrings.β
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see whoβs best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: βWhen I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.β βI found a bear by the stream,β says the minister, βand preached Godβs holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.β They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. βLooking back,β he says, βmaybe I shouldnβt have started with the circumcision.
A small boy asks his Dad, “Daddy, what is politics?”
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father having sex with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit." Edit: Thank you for silver
What is a pirates favourite musical note?
The high C.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasnβt happy at all. βHow much have you had to drink?β she asked sternly, staring at me. βNothingβ I slurred. βLook at me!β she shouted. βItβs either me or the pub, which one is it?β
I paused for a second while I thought and said, βItβs you. I can tell by the voice.β
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
I always thought I had anger issues and was anti-social
but after spending time on Reddit, I'm apparently well adjusted and normal.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
I received a letter the other day saying my tax return was ‘outstanding’.
Although it's lovely to receive such high praise from HMRC, to be honest I can't even remember sending one in.
As a conservative, I could never date an extrovert
Their socialism is just too much
My brother always lies, today he finally admitted to being a pathological liar
Yeah, like I'm falling for that
Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
Because their horns donβt work!
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
Put it in water If it sinks girl ant If it floats boyant
Pun enters a bar. Bloody fight ensues, ten people die.
Pun in, ten dead.
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
What is a kkk members favorite drink?
White Powerade
My friend charges Β£20 for postcards of East Africa on a plank for children to play on.
She sells Seychelles on the see-saw.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're very good at it.
βGive it to me now!β She yelled βIβm so wet!β
She can scream all she wants, sheβs not getting my fucking umbrella
What language is only spoken among mailmen?
Parcel tongue
I woke up this morning, looked down at my hands, and heard a voice yell, βDeath to America!β
I think I might have terror wrists.