Lmaoooooo
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons tries to board an airplane…
The stewardess stops him and says "I'm sorry sir, you're only one carrion per passenger!"
Where did Noah keep his bees?
In the Ark hives
Ladies, If your fella can’t appreciate a good fruit joke.
You need to let that mango.
What is a tree’s favorite app?
Sapchat
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
My iPhone made an album of when I took my kitten to the hospital and she died last year.
https://ift.tt/2xxrAzi
My son is a male trapped in a female’s body, so we took him to a psychiatrist.
For some reason, the doc kicked us out when we told him our son was due in in 3 months.
If Joe biden becomes president,
the white house will become forbiden
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of her chapstick this morning
I think she's mad, because she still hasn't spoken to me.
What is scarecrow’s favorite thing to wear?
A crop top.
If all people were like Redditors, we would have a better planet
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.
Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?" Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?" Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A". Professor, "Hmmmm, alright. So what's the question?" Student, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?" The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased. The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can't get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer, "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? " To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands. "All right," says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer. "It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal, nor logical."
“Son, I found a pack of condoms in your room.”
"Thanks Grandpa!" "Why did you call me Grandpa?" "Because I couldn't find it yesterday."
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
![[X-post] political humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/8gmk12ef78v41-400x324.jpg)
Milk is the fastest liquid
It's pasteurized before you've even seen it
Is buttcheeks one word…
or should I spread them apart?
I’m thinking about starting a company to provide Wi-Fi in public swimming areas..
I'm going to call it IP in Pools
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump!
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. -Emo Philips
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey
But I turned myself around
There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.
It was SpaceXXX.
Once upon a time a Mexican magician performed in a magic show.
He counted: “Uno…” “Dos…” And disappeared without a trace.
Justice is a dish best served cold
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
A clown opened up my post today
No text found
Sleeping with the minister’s wife.
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife." "Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?" The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees. After services, he starts talking to the Reverend, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally, the Minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "I'm sorry Sir, but my friend is sleeping with your wife right now, he asked me to keep you occupied." The Minister smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "Son. You’d better hurry home to your Wife…Because my wife died five years ago."
Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!” The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles. The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat. The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!” Edit: Thanks for the silver!
I always encourage everyone I know to wear two different deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Don’t spell part backwards
It's a trap
Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
I hate having body confidence issues…
I've had it up to ear with him.
