lmaoooooooooooo bro is oooooooouuttt heeeeeeerreeee
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
What does a house wear to a party?
Address.
What do you call the owner of a waterproof clothing company?
The head poncho.
Whats the difference between running in front of a car and running after a car?
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
I tried fitting in to a town with wind turbines….
But I just wasn't a big fan.
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
I don’t advertise my lip reading business…
It’s all word of mouth…
6 was afraid of 7 because 7 8 9. But why did 7 eat 9?
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
Her: Did you and your buddies experiment with sex and drugs when you were in school?
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
65,000,011 years ago
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
This morning Chuck Norris was shot
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Why are leopards so bad at playing hide and seek?
Because they're always spotted.
I’ve been in jail for only 5 minutes now and I’ve already been raped twice
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
I told my Asian parents that I am Asexual.
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Did you hear the one about the dog that ran ten miles to retrieve a stick?
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
I had 4 cans of alphabet soup this morning…
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
1,000,000
^ That's a one in a million.
NSFW.. Girl: “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” Priest: “What have you done my child?”
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Yesterday my doctor told me my chronic diarrhea is inherited.
Runs in the family.
A couple is trying to have a kid
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
Why don’t vampires bet on horses?
They can't handle the stakes.
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
How do you tell if noodles are old?
If they’re pasta expiration date.
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
