lmaoooooooooooo bro is oooooooouuttt heeeeeeerreeee
CROW: I was with a group of friends COP: What would you call that group? CROW: …I want a lawyer
The head poncho.
When you run after the car, you get exhausted. If you run in front of it, you'll get tired.
But I just wasn't a big fan.
It’s all word of mouth…
It heard you were supposed to have three squared meals a day.
Me: Yes, but I was in the control group.
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition
Because they're always spotted.
My uncle doesn't fuck around when playing Monopoly
They were disappointed that I wasn't A+sexual
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Sounded a little far-fetched to me
Now I'm having a huge vowel movement.
^ That's a one in a million.
Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch." Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?" Girl: "Because he touched my hand." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he touched my breast." Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father." Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes) Girl: "Yes father." Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where." Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where) Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!" Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch." Girl: "But father he had AIDS!" Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"
Runs in the family.
they haven't been able to have a child for over a year so they go see a doctor. He has them do all the tests, sperm, blood and so on. After a week they get a call from the doctor's office, the results are in. So they go. The doctor comes in and sits down. He looks at the lab results, looks at them. Looks back at the lab results and then back at them again. And then he says: "Gentlemen, you cannot be serious."
They can't handle the stakes.
My happiness quickly turned to disappointment when I found all the comic books I ordered were missing the last page…
So now I have to draw my own conclusions…
If they’re pasta expiration date.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."