It's not hard
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data,
Because they lost their Vision
A husband says to his wife: "Darling, I have to tell you something" Wife replies: "What?" Husband: "I don't know how to say this" Wife: "What?" Husband: "I don't even know if I should tell you" Wife: "What?" Husband: "You're completely deaf" Wife: "What?"
The librarian says "Fuck off! You're not gonna bring it back!"
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
The hills are alive with the sound of moo sick
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach. The cowboy said, “I’m not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I’d feed him.” So the minister began his sermon. One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon. The cowboy answered slowly, “Well, I’m not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn’t feed him all the hay…”
"Shooting isn't your cup of tea," he continued, "You better switch to archery."
Especially since his name is Steve
3 women die and go to heaven. God tells them that they are free to do as they please, but there is only one rule. Never. Step. On. A. Duck. Seems easy enough. The next day the first woman steps on a duck. POOF! She is suddenly handcuffed to a really ugly guy. The other 2 women make sure to be extra careful to not step on a duck. The next day the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and POOF! She's suddenly handcuffed to an even UGLIER guy! The last woman made VERY sure not to step on a duck. And she never did. Until one day, POOF! She was suddenly handcuffed to a gorgeous man. She asked him, "What did I ever do to be handcuffed to you?" He looked at her and said, "I don't know what you did, but I stepped on a duck."
He pasta way
But you will have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.
He didn't want to be spotted
He'll be born in April
It’s not my full-time job, I’m just doing it to make hens meet…
He’s got car owner virus
It was soda pressing.
He's been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
nevermind she's back she just went to pee
There are no firearms allowed in this building.
The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!” "I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck. "And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly. Sorry about that.” says the barman, as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just, we don't get many a ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer." The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck, and wants to learn more. But takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it. The duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, pays up, bids the barman a good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvellous!” says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call." So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money." “Swell. I’m always looking for the next job.” says the duck. "Where is it?" "At the circus.” says the barman. "The circus?" repeats the duck. "That's right.” replies the barman. "The circus??” the duck asks again "…with, the big tent?” "Yeah.” the barman replies. "With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" asks the duck. "Of course.” the barman replies. "And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck. "That's right.” says the barman. The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says… "What the f**k would they want with a plasterer?!?!”
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting. He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.” “What I want you to do,” the man continued, “is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.” So they did. Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them. And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
I simply told her we use names here
But you know how the saying goes.
But it turned out to be a mirage sale.
Too many handshakes
1, 2…get down
Just got to get this off my chest…. I’m getting sick and tired of people complaining about the price of things, $2.70 for coffee, $1.50 a cookie, $4.00 an hour for parking.
If I hear any more moaning.. I'm stopping inviting people to my house.
A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.
Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window. When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived. “You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentrate really hard as you fall, you temporarily float just before you hit the ground.” The man was so amazed that he too chugged a pint even faster than the other man, then jumped out of the window. He fell and fell and fell… and then landed on the ground with a splat. He died instantly. The bartender then turned to the man in the bar and said, “You’re such a dick when you’re drunk, Superman.”
It cracks up!