LmFaO I CaN’t BrEaThE
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
I was really embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set. So I quickly threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
But then I screwed up.
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
Actually, it's more of a wrap.
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
It’s a timeless piece, really.
Not enough people really talk about England very much
Thankfully, turns out it's in my blood. I come from a long line of Fathers.
And then it dawned on me.
Leave me the Fu Cologne.
Me: A blowjob Gf: Me: Gf: Waitress: I'll give you two a couple more minutes.
I made my son sit through a 1 hour long PowerPoint presentation titled “The utmost importance of wearing a condom”.
All the slides were just photos of him.
He said: “Suuuuureee YOU can!”
I guess I'm a faux pas.
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
The bartender says " Oh, this is a gonna be a week joke"
because it’s in the middle of water
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
but when I smoke a lot of weed no one calls me… Or texts me… or talks to me… I’m very lonely.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She’s chatting it up with St.Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo." "I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there," says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that.
They checked our reviews. One star.
But there’s too many drawbacks
I have no idea, I just fly the drone.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta