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People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
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A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
The nice thing about bending your bed sheets without someone to help you…
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
I counted 1500 lockdown protesters in our city.
Hold on, it's 900. Edit: No, wait, it's 500.
Husband doing crossword with his wife
Husband: Emphatic no, five letters. Wife: Never H: Pistol, 3 letters. W: Gun H: Disgust, 3 letters. W: Ugh H: Charity, 4 letters. W: Give H: Female sheep, 3 letters W: Ewe H: Pixar movie, 2 letters W: Up
A big shout out to sidewalks
They kept me off the streets
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: โJust checking my balance.โ
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
paper
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it's tearable.
Is this sub dead?
No one's posted here all decade… (Regards from New Zealand)
You got any corny jokes?
I'm all ears
โHey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?โ
โNo son, have you seen my dad glasses?โ
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
I just took an AND test
Turns out Iโm 100% dyslexic.
Where do horses go when they get sick?
The horse-pital. No Iโm kidding they get shot
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
Too real
Too real
Moonlighting at stand-up comedy…
…the baker was known for his rye humor…
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
How does Harry Potter get to class?
Walking. JK! Rolling!
6 life lessons
Lesson 1: A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, โIโll give you $800 to drop that towel.โ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks,โฆ โWho was that?โ โIt was Bob the next door neighbour,โ she replies. โGreat!โ the husband says, โDid he say anything about the $800 he owes me?โ Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure. Lesson 2: A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, โIโll give each of you just one wishโ โMe first! Me first!โ says the administration clerk. โI want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.โ Poof! Sheโs gone. โMe next! Me next!โ says the sales rep. โI want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.โ Poof! Heโs gone. โOK, youโre up,โ the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, โI want those two back in the office after lunch.โ Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say Lesson 3: A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,โFather, remember Psalm 129?โ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, โFather, remember Psalm 129?โ The priest apologized โSorry sister but the flesh is weak.โ Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, โGo forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.โ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity Lesson 4 A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, โCan I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?โ The crow answered: โSure, why not.โ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up Lesson 5: Power of Charisma A turkey was chatting with a bull โI would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,โ sighed the turkey, but I havenโt got the energy.โ โWell, why donโt you nibble on my droppings?โ replied the bull. โTheyโre packed with nutrients.โ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there Lesson 6 A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend And when youโre in deep shit, itโs best to keep your mouth shut!
A chicken pie in jamaica costs ยฃ2.00 A chicken pie in trinidad costs ยฃ2.15 A chicken pie in st kitts costs. ยฃ2.30
These are the pie-rates of the carribean
I have a friend who keeps trying to convince me heโs a compulsive liar…
…but I donโt believe him…
Rest in peace, boiling water.
You will be mist.
I think the cashier likes me.
She was definitely checking me out.
Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?
Because change comes from within.
Bindi Irwin got married!
That's a ray of hope!
Why does every pothead want to be 5’8″ in height?
Then they literally 4'20"
Three vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire says to the bartender, โIโll have a pint of blood.โ The second one says โIโll have a pint of blood also.โ The third vampire says to the bartender, โIโll have a pint of plasma.โ The bartender says, โSo, that will be two bloods and a blood lite?โ
Pilot left his microphone on.
After take off pilot accidentally left his microphone on and said to his Co pilot ' Now I just want a cup of coffee and a blowjob'. An air hostess ran to tell him to switch off his microphone. When someone from the passengers shouted 'He asked for a cup of coffee too'.