LMMAAOOOOO WHO DID THIISSšššš
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
Ninety-five year old virgin
Ninety-five year old Caroline died a virgin. Her last request stated that her headstone should read: "Here lies Caroline, born a virgin, died a virgin" The stone-cutter had a busy day, and made a shorter version, reading: "Caroline, returned unopened"
Donāt be worried about your smart phone or laptop spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt from you for years.
A woman goes into a restaurant with 15 kids.
The kids start goofing around while she's talking to the waitress. The mom gets impatient and yells, "Eddy! Stop that! Or else!" All 15 boys suddenly sit down, obedient and quiet. The waitress asks, "Did you really name all 15 of your boys Eddy?" "Yup," says the woman. "Makes it easier than trying to remember who's who every damn time." "But what if you only want to talk to one of them for some reason?" the waitress asks. "Well, then I just call them by their last names."
Why did Hitler kill himself?
He saw the gas bill.
My kid just told me sheās scared of Santa.
Sheās Claustrophobic
What do you call your grandma on speed dial?
Instagram.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
Iām not joking, but he is.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
That came out wrong. I'm giving up, drinking for a month.
Where do pirates get their hooks?
The second hand store.
What’s the difference between Abu Dhabi and Dubai?
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do
At your time of life…
A very old man told me this story. "I finally left my house to go out to the store this week, and who do I see but my pastor comes walking over to me with a Bible under his arm. And this fella, he says to me, 'I haven't seen you in church recently.' Well that made me made, because you know, anybody who knows me knows that I've been in my house for the last two months with the virus going around. And he can tell I'm mad, but that doesn't stop him. This fella goes to hand me his bible, and he says 'A man of your age and your condition, I think you need to start thinking about the hereafter. Now, I've outlined a few passages that I think you ought to read.' But I pushed it back into his hands, and I say 'Pastor. You can keep your bible. I don't need it. I think about the hereafter every damn day. First thing when I wake up in the morning, I walk into the kitchen, then I go into the bathroom, then I go into my bedroom again, then I go back into the kitchen and stand there looking into the icebox for twenty damn minutes wondering…. now what was I hereafter?' "
What do you give a pig with a rash?
Oinkment.
So many people these days are too judgemental
I can tell just by looking at them
How do you seduce a farm girl?
A tractor.
I asked my boss, āCan I have a week off around Christmas?ā He growled, āItās May!ā
I countered, āSorry. May I have a week off around Christmas!?ā
The internet connection at my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
What is the most popular animal in Reddit?
A karmadillo.
What do boobs and the sun have in common?
You can look at them longer if you're wearing sunglasses
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
What do you call someone who cusses but it nice about it?
A good swearitan.
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
A thief pointed a knife at me and said “your money or your life”
I smiled and told him I was married, so I have no money or a life. He dropped the knife and we hugged and cried for a moment.
My son asked me if I peeked at my presents early this year…
I told him that I had Clausible deniability.
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
When you eat something sour and you’re too afraid to swallow it and there’s nowhere to spit it out
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times and she wont think twice..
Call a girl fat once and sheāll always remember. Because elephants never forget
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
[removed]
Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, thereās a long break in the ledge they canāt cross. āSomething for this, I have.ā Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yodaās hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yodaās garden. āSomething I have for this.ā Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yodaās home, where Yoda looks through his bag. Heās used all his forks but one, he discovers. āThatās ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. āIāll write us a note reminding us to buy more.ā So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. āMaster Yoda!ā he asks. āWhat did I do wrong?ā Yoda replies sagely, āA Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!ā
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline become apparent.
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparentsā house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: āHe had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.ā Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. āOh no, my dearā replies granny. āMany years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ringā. āIt was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.ā She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, āHeād still be alive if the ice cream truck hadnāt come along.ā
The salesman asked me , āso which mattress do you want?ā.
I said , āitās a big decision, I need to sleep on itā.
Well It’s 1 for the Money, 2 For the Show, 3 To Get Ready…..
4 For Sales 5 For Customer Service or 6 to hear these options again
My wife and I argued about the roof of a building.
I hope it doesn't terrace apart.