Lock him up! Lock him up!
My buddy jokingly asked me, “If I shagged your wife, would that make us related?”
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation…
..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose. Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,200,000. Colonel Smith chooses the reach of his arms, that is from the tip of his right index finger to the tip of his left index finger, which results in a distance of 75 inches (so he gets $7.5M). Finally Colonel McConaughey chooses the distance from the tip of his penis to his balls -"Colonel, choose two parts that are more separated, you'll win more money that way!" – says the soldier in charge of the measurement. -"No, i'm sure these are the parts i want measured, please proceed!" – answers the colonel. The soldier then proceeds to take the measuring tape from the tip of colonel's dick and stretches the tape to reach the balls when suddenly he stops and asks "Wait…where are your balls?!" -"I lost them in Vietnam"
My neighbor sells home security systems door to door. He’s pretty good at it too.
If nobody's home he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table.
They say dress for the job you want, not the job you have
My boss still didnāt think a spacesuit was āappropriate work attireā.
Unknown man sneaks into WH and gets picture taken with a discombobulated President Trump.
https://ift.tt/38mdDRT
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
I want to be a mailman, but my friends keep telling me Iāll be terrible at it.
Oops, posted this in the wrong place.
Q: Why can’t a blind guy see his friends?
A: Because he's married.
A man’s lifelong dream was to meet the pope.
For years and years, he scrimped, scrounged, and saved up all his money for a lavish trip to Italy. Wanting to look his best for the pontiff, he had a custom-fitted suit tailored to his exact measurements and bought the finest Italian leather boots money could buy. The next morning he awoke before the dawn to make his way to Vatican City to meet the pope on his morning walk through his crowd of devout followers. He pushed his way to the front of the crowd, wanting to get as close to the Holy Father as possible. The grand doors opened and the pope emerged, greeting his followers, shaking hands, and offering blessings. The man caught the pope's eye, and the pope smiled and started walking towards him. This was it! He was finally going to get to share words with God's representative on Earth! Just as he was approaching the man, the pope noticed a downtrodden beggar lying in the ditch opposite the man. The pope changed course, made way for the beggar, bent down, and whispered something in the poor man's ear. The beggar nodded, got up, and walked off. The pope, now on the other side of the crowd, continued on away from the man. The man was devastated. He had missed his only chance to fulfill his ultimate dream. As the crowd dispersed, he noticed the beggar in the distance. A plan emerged in his mind. He made his way up to the beggar and said, "Sir, I would like to offer you a trade. I will give you my suit, my boots, and all of the cash in my wallet in exchange for your rags and tattered shoes. I believe this act of humility is my best chance to finally meet the pope." The poor man quickly agreed, of course, and the two men traded clothes. The next morning, the man made his way back to the Vatican and proceeded to lie down in the exact spot the beggar was the day before. The grand doors opened once again, and the pontiff emerged to meet his people. As the pope was walking through the crowd, the man saw that the pope was heading his way! His plan was going to work! Sure enough, the pope came over to him, knelt down and whispered, "I thought I told you to get the fuck out of here yesterday."
Why are fish the easiest animals to weigh?
Because they come with their own scales.
One tectonic plate bumped into another and said…
āSorry, my fault.ā
So a man comes into a bar…
Wait no… Shit. It was a horse…. So a man comes into a horse….
My kid just told me sheās scared of Santa.
Sheās Claustrophobic
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber…
He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph." Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back! "St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past."So you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad,"replied Ralph the Hen,but I have this strange feeling inside, like I'm going to explode." "You're ovulating, explained the rooster.Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before." "Never,"said Ralph. "Well just relax and let it happen," says the rooster" It's no big deal." Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg ā his Joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell…"RALPH WAKE UP. YOU SHIT THE BED!"
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
I saw a group of isis soldiers crying today
It's a crisis
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
I can still remember when my mom would tuck me in…
She really wanted a daughter…
A cloud is trying to be cool.
He's being smog
I feel like a car with twenty wheels today.
Very tired
I went to the doctors the other day because I cant stop showing off.
They prescribed me some anti gloating cream. I cant wait to rub it in.
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
How come 11 ants couldnāt park their cars at their ant hill?
Because parking is for ten ants only!
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
The cemetery looks overcrowded
People must be dying to get there.
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help…
…but I stand corrected.
Insulting bus driver.
A woman got on a bus, holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
My therapist told me to write letters about people I hate and burn them.
I did that but now I donāt know what to do with the letters
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
I gave all of my dead batteries away today,
free of charge.
My Science Teacher donāt know science
So my science teacher thinks that the nucleus is the power house of the cell. Not the mitochondria. Should we rebel?
I took the shell off of my pet snail to see if it would move faster
But it just ended up being more sluggish.