Lock it down..
Which is also known as avocado’s number
Every Sunday I read the Times and complain to my kids about that orange haired narcissist dominating the paper by insulting and mocking everyone, especially those closest to him.
That Garfield needs to learn how to think about more than just himself and his next plate of lasagna.
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was your age…” and then describing what I did 2 days ago
The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries. "So…" he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?" "A shark bit off me leg." "And the hook?" "An enemy pirate cut off me hand." The bartender gasps, fascinated by the pirate's stories. "What about the eyepatch?" "A seagull pooped in me eye." "A seagull caused that? How?" The bartender questioned. "Well, 'twas me first day with the hook…"
Tep on the brake, tupid!
My neighbor walked past with two dogs and I said, “I didn’t know you had dogs.” He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sisters.”
I exclaimed, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly!"
me: make math go away Genie: ok, that one's on the house me: yay, so I still get three wishes? Genie: huh?
The server drops the rabbit stew off at my table and starts walking away. I call him back and say, "There's a hare in my stew."
Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.
When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and when it’s time to shoot, yell ‘Bangety Bang Bang!’ Go get a bayonet on it and maybe it’ll look better.” But, again, Jim was last in line. The quartermaster tells Jim, “I’m sorry but now we’re all out of bayonets. Tie this banana on the end of your stick and when you’re doing drills, yell “Stabety Stab Stab!’” It goes well, but after just a couple weeks of training Jim finds himself in the actual war! He’s on the front lines, and he doesn’t know what he’s going to do. But then an enemy soldier jumps out in front of him, and his training takes over. He points his stick and yells, “Bangety Bang Bang!” The soldier falls down dead. Another rushes him from the back. Jim twists around and yells’ “Stabety Stab Stab!” and that soldier also falls down dead. “Maybe that quartermaster was a wizard “, Jim thinks as he takes down enemy soldiers right and left. “Bangety Bang Bang”! “Stabety Stab Stab!” But then a very burly soldier steps in front of Jim. “Bangety Bang Bang!”, he yells. Nothing happens. The soldier keeps coming. “Stabety Stab Stab!”, he tries. Again the soldier keeps coming. “Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!Bangety Bang Bang!” Stabety Stab Stab!” Nothing fazes the soldier as he slooooowly pushes Jim over, and tramples him to death. The enemy soldier looking down at Jim says in a very, very deep voice, “Tankety Tank Tank”.
So many questions, Who's blood is that? How did you get it? Was the bucket even sanitized before you filled it with blood.
I want to go to exotic islands and stay in 5 star hotels. She wants to come with me.
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity.
My shower gets turned on.
I know, it's gross, but we can only cum on prosthetic legs. Anyway, our last three-way with an amputee, we both prematurely came on her real toes! I had to politely ask the girl, "Can we start over? I feel like we got off on the wrong foot."
My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other’s condition because we may be in their position one day.
So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
It was pretty cool, she even recommended some girls I might like to sleep with next
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
It's so refreshing
but it's certainly up there.
Quacks in the pavement.
Are you having a crisis?
Then I was born
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
Can’t hear a vitamin
Digging giant tunnels underground.
But Peter came in fifth and won a toaster.
He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.
"Between you and me, something smells" (Credit to a 9 y.o. I thought it was funny)