How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
Me: *petting a dog* Aww! He probably smells my dog!
Police: He's been trained to only react to the smell of drugs. Me: sigh Yeah… my dog has a real problem.
When does a joke become a Dad Joke ?
When it's fully groan.
I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT I KNIGHTED AN ELECTRIC FISH…..
IT WAS SIR EEL
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath…
…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
I once met a crazed man muttering incoherently about ancient Mesopotamia, but I had to stop him, because…
I didn’t want him to Babylon…
I’m going to have my spine removed
All it does is hold me back
How south is South Africa?
South AF
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
My friend went completely bald years ago, but he still carries a comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
A man goes to a prostitute…
A Man goes to a prostitute and asks for a blow job. She says it'll be $150. He says "what can I get for $50?" "A penguin." He didn't know what a penguin was, but it was a bargain. He agrees and she pulls his pants and underwear to his ankles and begins to blow him. After a few minutes without a word, she stops what she's doing, stands up and walks away. The man, pants still around his ankles, begins waddling after her, "Hey what's a penguin??!!"
I never understood why people don’t get along with vegans.
I’ve never had a beef with one.
Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
What would you get if a dinosaur kicked you in the backside?
A mega sore ass.
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
I just formed a grunge band and named it “1023 Megabytes”
… haven't gotten a gig yet though.
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
Having trouble understanding top heavy fractions?
Our helpline is open 24/7!
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said, "Thank you." I said, "Don't mention it."
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
What’s the worst part of working for the department of unemployment?
When you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asks, “What is this, father?” The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.” While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and the lady rolls between them into a small room. The walls close and the boy and his father watch as small circles light up above the walls. The walls open up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman steps out. The father looks at his son excitedly and says, “Go get your mother.”